[lying in front of the fire]
11: Do you think she’s asleep or dead?
9: *throws toy, 2 massive dogs pounce on me*
Me: *screams*
9: Asleep
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Always be yourself. Unless you can be Batman.. Then be Batman.
no, no… I don’t want to be a burden
– me being a total burden
MORPHEUS: April fools!
NEO: ?
M: There’s no Matrix.
N: What?
M: You’ve been drugged, son.
N: WTF
M: We’ve been harvesting your organs.
Welcome back to school kids. Please form an orderly line.
If you don’t already have a highly contagious virus, one will be assigned to you.
shiny bag: THESE CHIPS ARE UNHEALTHY
matte bag: THESE CHIPS ARE FROM A FARM AND GOD LOVES THEM
Good News: It wasn’t a colon polyp.
Bad News: somewhere, a craigslist escort is missing a press-on nail.
My husband gets me to scream his name by doing his signature move of not leaving any toilet paper in the bathroom.
I’d pay good monkey to see that!
You mean, good money?
*squints*
You hard of hearing or something?
You gotta admit Wile E. Coyote going through the entire process of making a movie just for it be scrapped as a tax write off is incredibly on brand for him.
[Voice from police helicopter]
PUT YOUR HANDS IN THE AIR!
*raises hands*
*takes flattering selfie in helicopter spotlight*
*uploads new avi*
me: god grant me the serenity
god: no ❤️
Desks that can easily support a few hundred lbs must have some naughty stories to tell the other desks at break time.
Ghosts wear sheets because nobody’s scared of sleeping bags.
[Halloween]
Me: How adorable! I love your ghost costume!
14: *sigh* I AM NOT A GHOST! I’M SHEET-FACED.
Why do Swedish warships have bar codes on the sides?
So that when they return to port, they can Scandinavian.
Me: [doing crossword] 41 band; three letters.
Wife: sum.
Me: human parts; four letters.
Wife: body.
Me: upon a time; four letters.
Wife: once.
Me: to pay; four letters.
Wife: toll.
Me: 90’s slang; three letters.
Wife: duh.
Me: refer to myself; two letters.
Wife: me.
I have pictures of random children in my house. When my kid misbehaves I gently remind him of the brothers & sisters that came before him that are no longer part of the family.
DOG BOSS: Any messages for me?
DOG ASSISTANT: just one from Mr. Agoodboy
DOG BOSS: who’s Agoodboy?
DOG ASSISTANT: *tail starts wagging*
*opens can of Pringles*
*finds my lost keys*
My 3yo niece wants dead grapes.
Raisins, she wants raisins.
Algorithms aren’t omniscient, they’re more like aunties buying presents. “I saw you like rugby. Surely you must play golf, they’re both sports!” “You live in Paris. Would you be interested in traffic updates from Cincinnati, because they’re both cities?”
abolish “let me know if you have any questions” in emails
if someone has a question, I do not want to know
I wonder why they don’t like me using the label maker
Unfortunately, the house having ‘period features’ turned out to mean we had to get the decorators in once a month.
Friend: your parents must have had you young
Me: I mean, I couldn’t have been any younger
this came to me in a vision
repaired
Keep your friends close and your enemies buried beneath your floorboards
You know how I know society sets us up to fail?
Roombas only work if your house is already clean.
*throws a dead pigeon at jerk who cut me off in traffic*
Wife: Hun, I don’t think “flipping the bird” means what you think it means.