[telling a scary story to a group of moths] and when she opened the door..[holds flashlight to face] she- AH GET OFF OF ME YOU GUYS
You Might Also Like
Dear Cool People, they didn’t name a candy after you, did they? Love, Nerds.
I just shook my keyboard upside down. Breakfast is served.
The most I’ve ever spent on a bottle of wine is about 45 minutes
When a Honda Element crashes into another Honda Element it becomes a Honda Compound.
[guy from the 50s arrives in a time machine]
“Who’s president?”
Barack Obama
“Braco? Sounds Mexican”
Nope
“Whew”
You might want to sit down
Subway only exists because we’re all too damn lazy to throw a sandwich together.
“Could you lay meat on that bread for me? Here’s $8.”
Lmao 🤣
[from under your bed]
Babe, are you mad at me?
Kinda thick horizontal curvy line, two thinner curvy vertical lines, squiggly line, different thicker squiggly line
-Japanese spelling bee
1 year ago today, the world ended. RIP everyone.
“Don’t you have this book anywhere?”
“Not here, no.”
“Is it in the back?”
“I’m afraid not.”
“Is it in the basement?”
“No.”
“Aren’t you going to go down and check?”
“Well, that would take a while.”
“How long would it take?”
“I mean first we’d have to install a basement.”
My kids are doing things in Minecraft that are likely serial killer warning signs.
Cashier: Panic buyers bought up all the fresh fruit and veg?
Me, looks at my usual shopping: Huh? Oh yes, panic buyers. *shakes fist*
You haven’t lived until you’ve had a dog give you the “Jesus Christ go to bed already” look
If I’m gonna pay $300 for a name brand purse it better come with a mini fridge, steaks, and a new tv
Now that my whole family is in our house all the time, it’s just nothing but drive-by shushing of each other all day.
[at work]
CW: Hey, I found your Twi…
Me: *jumps out window*
CW: …Twinkies.
My Life Alert bracelet says: “don’t let them get away with this”
In Florida, a man on a beer run chased customers with an alligator under his arm. In a related story, there is a bill to change the Florida state flag to a guy buying beer with an alligator under his arm.
Actually, Kara, love is an illusion created by chemical reactions. The most powerful force in the world is the invisible hand of the market.
The kids complained that I was making them run laps around the house for exercise, so now they’re running laps with a vacuum cleaner.
8yo: Did you know they used to have computer mouses that had wires? I don’t even know how you could use those
Me: To strangle your coworkers
8yo: What?
Me: Huh?
“All I ever wanted to do is make a difference.” – Subtraction Man
I was going to eat a salad today, but then I remembered I’m not a rabbit.
Remember, when you’re driving in the snow, it’s important to speed up and go as fast as you can so you don’t get stuck.
Me (on a tinder date): you look nothing like your avi
Chameleon: hold on.
Doing couples therapy by myself to try and get double the help
My friend: I was waiting here and all was normal and then suddenly all hell broke loose
Me:
Me: So, you’ve been waiting at this bus stop since 2019?