Batman: I am named this because I fear bats.
Incoming Phone Call Man: Buddy I get it.
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“He sees you when you’re sleeping, he knows when you’re awake.” Santa is your cellmate.
a fool and his money are hey new iphone
Accidentally triple-knotted my laces so I guess I’m wearing these shoes for the rest of my life.
Sometimes I like to mess with my husband and say things like “Honey, please hand me a waffle knife” and watch him panic.
[superman saves a kid by stopping a train mid track]
reporter: you just saved the kid by using your super strength to stop the train.
superman: yes, yes I did.
reporter: couldn’t you just have used super speed instead and moved the kid out of the way?
superman:
reporter:
One day we will tell our grandkids how far we had to scroll to get to the recipe.
MY DOG’S VET: who’s a good boy? who’s the handsomest boy? does you wanna cookie? does the handsome good boy want a cookie? does the handsomest best boy ever want a cookie?
MY DOCTOR: you look fatter and paler than I remember, sit down
Me: Hi, I’d like to cancel my 8am appointment for tomorrow.
HR: For the last time, call in sick for work like a normal person!
I know it’s illegal to launder money, so I’ve decided to stop doing laundry entirely. Just to be on the safe side.
I’m on a roof fixing gutters. If I was on roofies, I’d be in a gutter. HAHAHAH I’M SO FUNNY!
What he says: Ya know, your mom is actually right.
What I hear: So, you have chosen death.
I once had a boyfriend cheat on me with my best friend but that pales in comparison to the betrayal I feel when an Amazon ‘Get it by tomorrow’ order arrives two days late
*posts selfie with full makeup and 3 filters*
Caption:
I’m so sick, I feel like dog crap & I look sooooo gross
Just saw my Nana for what will probably be the last time. She’s very healthy but never wants to see me again.
I don’t just have a chip on my shoulder— I’ve got the whole potato
Is it crazy how saying sentences backwards creates backwards sentences saying how crazy it is?
Husband: On top of spaghetti, all covered with cheese.
Me: *heavy breathing* Keep going.
“Amen and dig in” is a perfectly acceptable way to end a prayer at the potluck because honestly nobody is even listening when there’s food involved.
If I weren’t supposed to bring my cat, the wedding invite would say that, right?
I’m 100% sure Zebra’s didn’t earn those things.
Woman: *being eaten by a Werewolf* My god, they’re right. Your hair IS perfect!
‘To do’ list:
1. grocery shopping
2. pay the rent
3. post grandma’s birthday card
4. try not to kill anyone with my death stare
5. laundry
And then there were 4
Was looking at smoking pipes on Amazon & realized that CW could look at my history.So,I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
You talk an awful lot for someone who claims to advocate for peace.
I SHOULDN’T NEED TO BE A GODDAMN COMPUTER SCIENTIST TO SET THE CLOCK ON A COFFEE MAKER!!!
Oh, wait, never mind…I got it.
this is what they would have looked like, though
I babysat for the first time and it was just non-stop screaming. Next time I’ll look before I lie down on the couch.
The first rule of denial club is I can stop anytime I want.
It’s no coincidence that those really terrifying scenes in horror movies often use children’s voices