I’m having one of those days where I feel like the single soggy onion ring that somehow made it into an order of french fries.
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*gets hit by car*
me: it’s ok buddy can happen to anyone*friend says I’ll call you right back and doesn’t*
me: there can be no forgiveness for this
Yesterday was 2/22/22. Don’t feel bad if you missed it. 3/33/33 is coming up
Jan 21, 2015: The 1989 film “Back to the Future II” showed life on Oct 21, 2015. So we’ve got 9 Months to invent Flying Cars.
me: [hiring a hitman] now how can we make my songs better
*gets down on one knee*
Very sad to hear about Nigel Farage. Nothing’s happened to him, I’m just sad to hear about him.
People need to learn how to record their name on a voicemail system.
“You have one new voicemail from… *heavy breathing* Toooooooddddd”
I didn’t even know Canada existed until Twitter.
guy: man it’s raining tigers and wolves out there
first guy to say “it’s raining cats and dogs”: oh it’s not nearly that much
Interviewer: Tell me your convictions
Me: Arson, 5 years. I burnt down my office
Interviewer: I mean like ‘firm beliefs’
Me: Company loyalty
I lick all the grapes at the grocery store. It’s romantic. Some stranger is going home with my kisses on their grapes.
HIM: Do you have raisins?
ME: I have grapes and patience.
Fairy godmother: Remember, at midnight the spell will be broken.
Me in my 30’s: Oh no worries. I’ll be done and at home in my pajamas by 8pm.
FGM: Oh no, my dear, you have until midni—
Me: 8PM.
Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”
[first date]
Her: omg are you wearing a cape? Lol
Me: [texting mom] ok you were right about the cape
lawyer: just say you were with a friend
me: ok
[later]
cop: where were you that night?me: robbing the house *winking at my lawyer* with my friend
The fake cough I use when calling in sick is now available on iTunes.
I’d be lost without the care instructions on these pants.
If I hold my phone upside down it looks like you have replied to my text and I’m ignoring you.
“sticks and stones may break my bones”
“got it, thank you!”
“wait there’s more”
“but you already foolishly revealed your weakness to me”
Bring a hedgehog into the library and frantically ask the clerks where they keep the reverse spell casting books.
I love how people slow down and come to a complete stop to read the dammed traffic signs.
It says: STOP
You don’t need to study the dammed thing.
Oh, I just remembered. You’re boring…. and my legs work!
I name photos of me stroking animals in files called “Fireworks and big dogs.jpg” so my cats won’t find them on my computer.
Today’s meltdown brought to you by me, who wouldn’t let 4 ride his bike unless he put on underwear, at a minimum
What happens in Vegas shows up on your credit card statement the following month.
me: [eating tapeworms] I’m just getting hungrier
If we made a paid app but had no ads, would you download it for $2?
[Supermarket]
Me: QUICK, WHERE IS YOUR FROZEN SECTION
Assistant: Aisle 7
Me: GREAT [opens trench coat and 6 penguins fall out] let’s go guys
My dog went to the vet for a check up. they said they needed to get a pic for her profile.
I log into the portal to get results and THIS is what came up 😂