911: what’s your emergency
me: i need an ambulance at the public pool, jesus tried to do a cannonball
911: again?
me: he won’t listen to us
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If Frodo heads towards Mordor at 5 km/h and Aragorn heads towards Mordor at 7 km/h, how long until my friends come back?
Please stop asking Santa for the perfect woman…….
3 times he’s tried to kidnap me this week
“Hardly ever used. Ex husband was busy riding other things.” 👀
[ouija board]
“Spirits are u there?
I A M H E R E. Y O U W A N N A T A L K? Y O U W A N N A H A N G O U T?
[squints]
“A needy board?”
liiiiiiiiike
[Googling]
How many calories in a glass of white wine?
*45 minutes later*
[Googling]
How many calories in a bottle of white wine?
“what do your tattoos mean?” that I can’t be trusted with $200
A Person Who Cares has informed me there’s a helium shortage, which I knew.
She said “it’s not just for balloons,” which I also knew.
She asked me if could even name three other uses for helium, which I did.
It was a tough day for A Person Who Cares.
Why is there never a child around when you need help opening a bottle of Tablets with a child proof lock?
Why are there no owls here? I WAS LEAD TO BELIEVE THERE WOULD BE OWLS HERE!
#hooters
I still remember when my 10th grade English teacher told us we were going to have a special guest FOR WEEKS and then the special guest turned out to be him in a hat.
Ever look at someone and think you could spend the rest of your life saying. “What?” to this person?
ME: [grinding pepper onto my food]
IRON MAN: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE
Every squirrel is a flying squirrel if you’ve got a good throwing arm.
Person: “I have a friend in a wheelchair, do you know him?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I have a friend who’s stupid, do you know him?”
“I bet you’re beautiful on the inside.”—a sensitive guy
“I bet your insides are beautiful.”—a serial killer
Ok, I’m disowning my entire family so that means y’all are my family now!
…I’m gonna need a head count for Thanksgiving, ok?
2020: the pandemic is coming you gotta stay inside
ME: oh no
2021: the pandemic is ending you gotta go outside
ME: OH NO
Just got back from seeing my naturopath and she suggested a treatment plan that involves improved diet and exercise.
The nerve of some health experts.
I love when I wake up to sunshine and birds singing and good coffee and I think it’ll be a Disney day but then I open Twitter and realize I’m only in act one of a horror movie
Girls greet each other normally the way I’d act if I saw a friend who I thought was dead.
I always carry a red Sharpie on me in case I have to draw blood.
Marry someone who loves Hawaiian pizza so you can just get your own good tasting pizza all to yourself.
When men ask you out, you say no, and they demand an explanation: buddy what is this, high school gym class, do I need to hand you a note from my mom like “sorry Isabel is excused from dating random men on the bus today”
I think I’m gonna make a bracelet that supports getting rid of bracelets that support stuff.
I’ve never been on a diet but one time I had to wait until my wife left the kitchen so I could sneak some more cookies before dinner.
“Oh my god I LOVE this song” -Me, listening to a Favorite Songs playlist I made
Anyone: Loose lips sink ships
Me *writing down note*: Tighten ship’s lips.
Interview
Bishop: Do you have any job-related questions?
Vicar: No
Bishop: What about the other Bible chapters?
The state of my house can best be described as ‘there seems to have been a struggle