I have an extensive library of over 2,000 classic, important books just in case you have a question about the first 54 pages of one of them.
You Might Also Like
“Sandwich artist” is a bit pretentious sir when you’re actually a subcontractor.
I call my ex “Appendix” because he didn’t seem to have a specific purpose and removing it didn’t change a thing in my life.
I’d run a marathon but I don’t know if I can handle the commitment. I mean a lifetime of telling every person you meet you ran a marathon?
me: my fish is very dry
waiter: yes, we had to take him out of the water
me: smart
Save money on your next colon exam, grammar police do it for free
The Last Dance just keeps getting better
Enough is enough. It is time for Sea World to step up and finally do something about the horrible whale who splashes everyone
Does it make you an acrobat if you get suspended from the chandelier by your drawers after falling over the 2nd floor railing?
Do I look like Christopher Columbus? Am I guiding a ship to a new land? So, when I ask for directions, please don’t use words like “East.”
me: i would like a *prepares to wow vietnamese waiter with my attention to pronunciation* “pho”
korean waiter: we do not serve this dish
DATE: Let’s go to your place.
ME: We’ll take my car *pulls out Hot Wheels car*
DATE: …
ME: Just kidding.
DATE: Oh, thank God.
ME: I don’t have a place. I’m homeless.
‘Pardon my French’ -People who you would never pardon and who don’t know any French
Me: I wouldn’t miss it for the world.
Friend: It was yesterday.
Getting older is pretty much just paying bills and finally understanding why killers in horror flicks target teenagers.
date: i think i’m going to leave.
me: [absolutely covered with seaweed] but your bio said you LIKED long walks on the beach.
According to all these “note to self” sticky notes I am a very forgetful person also I have no idea what these notes mean
Never fight a dinosaur, you’ll get Jurasskicked.
Always…
Wanted: Human left leg, to finish the monster I’m making in my basement. Will pay handsomely. No weirdo’s.
I only watch the groundhog festivities in hopes that Punxsutawney Phil will maul someone.
Accidentally closed a browser with 20+ tabs opened . . . this must be what the scholars of Alexandria felt when their great library burned.
When the devil buys your soul he makes you sign a contract because even though he is pure evil he has an unshakable respect for tort law.
Putting Mr. Bean in charge of the country would be a sweeping intellectual renaissance at this point.
Police Officer: You know, this is a one way street?
Me: I was only going one way…
[2:30AM]
*it’s quite late now. Let’s make a call*
*Hey Boss, are you sleepin?*
[Yes you nerd, why?]
*cause I’m still doing your stupid work*
me: why do you think my parents don’t love me
therapist: they’re pretty clear about it in the group chat
me: the what
So those numbers on sports jerseys are how many people each player has killed or what.
I hate it when healthy me does the groceries, because now fat me needs a snack.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He was allergic to bees. His shoes smelled like old bananas.