[funeral]
ok I need everyone over 70 to gather for the bouquet toss
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*Tries to start the wave at a funeral
Me: How did the interrogation go?
Detective: The perp folded like a cheap suit.
Me, has no idea what that means: That’s great. All my suits at home are rigid by the way. Rock hard.
Parkour is the act of moving through an environment in the fastest way possible. It’s all about speed and efficiency.
Now imagine the opposite of that. The slowest, least efficient way, to get to where you need to go. That’s what happens when my kid says he’s taking a shortcut.
me: listen I’m pretty busy now can we do this tomorrow?
murderer: yeah sure sorry
I got pulled over for the first time in my life today.
I thought: what would Twitter tell me to do?
I decided against all those options and took the ticket.
Her: Whats that mouth do boo?
Me: Probably say something stupid.
Preparing for Back to School season by getting my 5th grader a new wardrobe, new backpack, and helping him invent a Canadian girlfriend
The girl at Starbucks wrote my name as “Meghen” like I lay eggs or some shit.
Just emerged from my Y2K bunker.
Everybody okay?
Parenting is easy, until those kids wake up.
Kinda thick horizontal curvy line, two thinner curvy vertical lines, squiggly line, different thicker squiggly line
-Japanese spelling bee
“Mmmm Brians”
– a dyslexic or gay zombie
Every Field Has It’s Hero’s:
Music: Jimi Hendrix
Science: Albert Einstein
Business: Michael Scott
Ghosting is such a fun word for something so sad
Like put away your big white sheets and throw away your casper dvds gang we’re going to play with abandonment issues
me: Did you brush your teeth?
9: Yes
me *hands him a glass of orange juice*
9: Do I have to?
me: Yep. Told you not to touch my Cheetos
Imagine if you had a sunflower seed as big as a laptop. That is everyday life for a hamster.
“Why do birds suddenly appear?”
To shit on my newly washed car, that’s why.
If Jesus loves me how come he’s never liked a single one of my instagram selfies
[On a date]
Him: I love a woman with a sense of humor, I’m a sucker for a good pun.
Me: omg same. lol Jeremy if you were sliced up into little pieces and soaked in coffee liqueur and then layered between ladyfingers you’d be a jeramisu.
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: jeramisu
“Do you love the shape of hamburgers but hate that delicious taste?” -Veggie Burgers
Damn right I’m cultured. I learned all about classical music from Bugs Bunny.
My friend says to me, “What rhymes with orange?”
And I told him, “No, it doesn’t.”
My 5yo asked me if we could go to someone else’s house because he says we go to our house a lot
Me: Threesome?
Wife: When pigs fly!Do I wish for flying pigs?
Pro: Threesome
Con: High bacon prices*has idea
*starts building catapult
[meeting with boss]
“I need you to go back and fix something that broke yesterday.”
“I DON’T EVEN HAVE A TIME MACHINE!”
[presses every button in elevator] here’s how Michael Bay ruined the ninja turtles
13: Mom I love Spanish class and guess what!
Me: What?
13: I’m already fluent… un, deux, trois.
Me:
13: Oh wait, that’s French.
Doctor [looking over my test results]: I don’t know how to say this…
Me: Don’t be embarrassed. Just sound it out using the letters and try your best
Trying to remember if I ever promised anyone I’d do something “the next time there’s a total solar eclipse” just to get them off my back
I like to flush the toilet a few times when I’m on the phone with someone who calls me so they know not to do that again