Trainer: What kind of shape would you say your body is in?
Me: Butternut Squash
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Me: Now watch this amazing parallel parking job…
Wife: *Eyes roll
Me: You can’t see it with your eyes up there
my sister: snowboards
my brother: skateboards
me: charcuterie boards
I have 2020 vision. My eyesight is terrible but I can see precisely 3 years into the future
Me: Pull my finger.
Doctor: Ok.
[finger detaches]
Me: AAAAHHHHH!
Doctor: AAAAHHHHH!!!
ME: haha j/k that’s actually why I came in.
Me: What did she say about me?
Friend: She said you ask too many questions
Me: She said that? Too many questions? Really? Me? …What else?
When a cop asks you to exit your vehicle, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you.
I know this now.
(Going through Emergency Go Bag)
Hubs: We have no matches or flint
Me: We don’t need any
Him: How would we start a fire if we needed one?
Me: (slaps my thighs) just let me run for a few minutes and the friction between these two bad boys will start a forest fire
[first date]
date: i’m an optimist
me: wow i’ve never met a transformer before
I’ve never wanted a mansion. Not because I’m modest- I just don’t need more places to lose my keys.
I don’t need anyone with a so-called degree “to” tell me I use quotes wrong.
If you take a closer look, you will see a piece of mind your own business stuck in my teeth.
HOW TO BE A LAWYER:
Witness: I saw your client do it.
Me: Allegedly.
W: No, I did.
M: Allegedly.
Judge: That’s argumentative.
M: Allegedly.
Chameleon wife: “Does my bum look big in this dress?”
Chameleon husband: “What dress? Where are you?”
*requests to be buried in jaws of T-Rex skeleton so it looks like I went out fighting*
Girl, are you these plates I recently bought from Wal-Mart? Because I just learned that you’re not microwave-safe.
A possum broke into an Australian bakery and ate so many pastries it couldn’t move. This is how they found him.
[teaching my 3yo the alphabet]
“Ok what’s a word that starts with Q”
cucumber
“That’s uh… I don’t… let’s pick this up again tomorrow”
So what does everyone do with their dryer lint
I used to watch the Olympics on TV as a child and dream of growing up and also watching the Olympics on TV but on a better TV.
[hot air balloon ride]
DAD: *kicks basket* how many miles you get in this thing?
No laws when master is gone
Lo AND behold? in this economy?
HR: People are complaining that you find ways to appear superior to them.
[chair elevated to highest position]
Me: That’s just ridiculous.
There is no amount of money I wouldn’t pay for a remote control that could walk itself over to me from the other side of the room.
“I literally died.” – white girls in heaven.
When you go to the gynecologist on Halloween they use a spookulum.
[Kitchen]
Me: I’m a were-state. When the moon is full I turn into a US state.
Wife: No you don’t the moon is full now.
Me: *Illinois noises*
learn from a vacuum cleaner, don’t work beyond the limit of your cord…
Sure boss, I’d love to take on some extra work, I have like 7-8 free hours a night where all I do is sleep anyway.
<– Pops double collar and eats hamburger with a fork and knife