DATE: I need a shot. Any recommendations?
BARTENDER: *looks me up & down* Penicillin.
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Does the 5 second rule apply when you accidentally say “I love you” during sex?
I read an article that began “During the pandemic, with the implementation of distance learning…” and was surprised it didn’t end “came an uptick in nervous breakdowns of parents everywhere.”
*Woman throws a drink in my face but I swallow it all perfectly*
Getting older means talking to less people and complaining about more people.
I have no idea how other people get off the plane looking lovely when I look like a grease covered cheese puff someone found at the bottom of their purse
[sees co-worker the next day after failing to kill him on purge night] mondays am i right?
Sci-fi is when Benedict Cumberbatch looks like this and fantasy is when Benedict Cumberbatch looks like this
*forgets to bring grocery list to the store*
I can handle this…
*comes home with cheese and bath salts*
Nailed it.
13yo forgot where she put her kindle and 9yo offered to help her find it, and my husband and I couldn’t stop laughing because those two can’t find anything.
I love that spiderman sits like that. That’s not a spider thing. Spiders don’t do that. But spiderman does.
I love that old Revolutionary War saying about shower sex “Don’t shoot until you see the soap in their eyes…” or something like that.
I’m “by the time I find a gif, the conversation topic has changed” awkward in dm groups.
A customer just told me that it takes a 14 mile run to work off 1 Oreo. Don’t worry she’s dead now
Pretty convinced that my left eyebrow and my right eyebrow belong to two different people with very different lifestyles
Such a weird day. It feels like that day we were talking about Greek mythology & the professor said Zeus was so obsessed with a human woman named Leda that he turned into a swan to seduce her & the whole class was nodding like “makes sense” & I was sitting there all “A swan wtf?”
Buying a scrub brush on a stick for your back because you need something to remind you that you are single, even in the shower.
I get it, drug commercials. I too like to dance while I describe all my side effects
doctor: I’d like to give you something to help your anxiety
me: whose side are you on?
When you have 7 guests and a set of 6 mugs how do you decide which one to kill to maintain uniformity?
Remember to kick Friday right in the panty hamster.
gonna buy myself something nice
like a straight jacket
All I’m saying is if I’m not allowed to give a monkey a gun at the zoo they should have a sign.
i gotta figure out some insane rules for my kid that she doesn’t question until she gets older. “no pink lemonade in this house. it’s unnatural” and she’s like right of course, lemons are yellow, it’s unnatural. then decades from now she’s in a college dining hall like Wait What.
Before you get paranoid about the lack of people interacting with you on twitter, remember Jesus only had 12 followers in his day, and look at him now.
7yo son: Mom, can you hand me a tissue so I can blow my nose?
Me: Is it already—
7: It’s already on my finger, yes.
I offered Kinkos $5 for this… they said no.
Wife: Our dog was put down and then my husband died, it was tough
Medium *nodding* he was the love of your life
Wife: Yes of course!
Medium: He has something to say to you
Wife: omg go on
Medium: woof
Gonna swing by church later and see if anyone gave up something I want for Lent.
Remember four years ago when we were all ‘nature is healing’ and then my grandma got mugged by a swan.
Yeah sex is pretty good but have you ever successfully started a conga line?