I’m not sure if this woman in the Starbucks line ahead of me is ordering a drink or casting a spell.
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My wife is always like, “You answer the door, I don’t even have my bra on!” and for that reason, I have stopped wearing a bra.
Back in my day we had another word for selfie sticks, we called them friends.
what’s wrong babe? you haven’t touched your shrekfast yet
“I’m not going to eat anything today”
“Pie?”
“Please”
When I see a “How am I driving?” sticker, I want to take the driver in my arms and tell them that I too have questions about my existence
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what’s your location
me: i’m in the cockpit
control tower: i mean where is the airplane
me: mainly behind me
Me: She really needs to calm down.
Alcohol: You should tell her.
Ways to know a guy at the bar wants to take you home:
1. He talks to you.
2. He buys you a drink.
3. That drink makes you REALLY sleepy.
[being murdered]
me: hey are u Scottish
murderer: yes why
me: then I guess u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
I bet when Kanye was little he played tag by himself, then argued with himself on whether he was tagged or not.
Murderer: *murdering me*
Me: (unconvincingly) Oh… oh no… stop… I don’t… want to be late for work
The worst part about the measles outbreak at Disneyland was still the price of admission.
She says she only drinks wine to collect corks for her Pinterest project, which is pretty cool cause it looks like she’s building a castle.
[latest bio rejection from christian mingle]
Interested in both term and whole life insurances.
*after sex, in a British accent
“Please sir, may I have some more?”
Hello? I’d like to rent one bouncey house, please. How many will be using it? Just one. Her age? Uh. Four……..ty-seven.
Red Cross: A blood donation is the best gift you can give to someone.
[Christmas morning]
Kids: [all screaming while opening presents]
The real you is what happens when you walk into a surprise spider web.
So apparently you’re supposed to change the lint filter in the dryer more than once a year firemen are hot
CROCODILE: Your shoes are gross
ME [looks down at my green crocs] uh yeah. They’re horrible
CROCODILE: Have they got a name?
ME: what
CROCODILE: What do you call them?
ME: uh
CROCODILE: SAY IT
I couldn’t work at Popeyes… I’ll be walking around my whole shift with drumsticks and thighs poking out of my pockets…
me: ahh vacation
brain: time to relax
me: no work
brain: well it’s still there
me: stop
brain: just… waiting
me: please
brain: g r o w i n g
me: no
If dog hair were a commodity, I’d be tweeting this from my yacht.
[Nightclub]
Me: *shouting over the loud music at the bartender* WHAT IS THE SOUP OF THE DAY
My alarm went off way too early today. I tried hitting the snooze button but as it turns out – my kid bites.
love it when they get my name right
Teach a man to fish and he will evolve to become so skilled at it that he destroys the ocean and kills every last fish. Nice one education.
Marvel’s new superhero sounds pretty shit 😕😕😕
Wearing my lesbian boots today. Well, they’re faux lesbian. I don’t believe in using lesbians for leather, even if they’re farm-raised.