Its not a joke, its a rope and I want you to put it around your neck.
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me: [taking dog on 4th walk of the day because I’m so bored]
dog: bro please get a hobby I’m begging u
Me: I wanta quit
Boss: I need a formal resignation
Me: fine. I beseech thee, kindly give me leave of this hellhole
100% of divorces begin with marriage.
Council: We’ll pay you 30 pieces of silver.
Judas: Never. He’s my friend.
Council: …and an iPad.
Judas: I hate that guy.
[showing my 4yo a Slinky]
me: look, it’s walking down the stairs
kid: what else can it do
me: literally nothing
{concert}
lead singer: WHO’S READY TO ROCK?!
me (from the pit trying to clean my glasses with the front of my shirt) JUST A SEC
Whenever someone is about to tell me about their day, I just cover my ears and yell “SPOILER ALERT!”
Will I. Am’s headstone will read “Will I. Was,” completing history’s longest set-up to a punchline
Rubbing a fire hydrant like a magic lamp, but instead of a genie, all I got was dog pee on my hands. Which was my wish, so we’re all good. Anyway, it doesn’t look like you’ve been flossing.
Therapist: We must remove our masks and express our true selves
Yoga instructor: True
Nutritionist: So wise
Raccoon: This is bullshit, Alan
My husband said I looked tired so I ate his ice cream bar.
Unpopular opinion but siren songs low key kinda slap
ⓘ 𝗧𝗵𝗶𝘀 𝘂𝘀𝗲𝗿 𝗶𝘀 𝗹𝗼𝘀𝘁 𝗮𝘁 𝘀𝗲𝗮
the twelve days of christmas is completely unrealistic there is no way that you’re still accepting gifts from someone after four days of birds
Christian: You need Jesus in your life
Me: But I can’t find him
Jesus: *Hiding in a cave, giggling*
me: have you seen my hoodie?
her: you mean our hoodie???
[at the bar]
Her: My break up has been so hard…nothing could possibly hurt as much as this!
Sticks A Knife In People Steve: Lol
People who say all you need is love probably already stocked up on Doritos
For some people, the turkey’s the most important part of the holidays. For others? It’s the pumpkin pie. But me? I’ve always cared more about the people that I spend the holidays with- which is why I’ve gathered you all here today to help me summon grandpa from the great beyond.
[JAIL VISITATION]
WIFE: I got u a cake
ME: U know I don’t like sugar
W: U need a BREAK, OUT of ur diet
M: It’s not a diet, it’s a lifestyle
*runs for mayor*
Mayor: You’re outta shape
The best thing about wearing socks all the time is being able to clean coffee spills without lifting a finger.
Friend: I can’t sleep.
Me: Have you tried putting your phone down?
Friend: Then how will I complain that I can’t sleep?
Seeing Keira Knightley outside of a period piece is like running into a teacher outside of school.
Apple announces iPhone bug that allows it to be hacked with a single click, in a ‘more intuitive and natural way than an Android bug’.
[first person to have a houseplant]
i’d like to kill something very slowly in the privacy of my own home
Kids forever killing vibes 💀
My parents are still threatening to put me up for adoption.
UBER: Oh, we’re halfway there
ME: Ok, good
U: Oh oh, we’re living on a prayer
M: What?
U: *driving off cliff* Take my hand
M: Oh god
3: *throws plate in sink
Me: but you barely ate!
3: yeah, I’m full…what are you eating?
Me: the same thing you had
3: can I have a bite?
Wanna know my secret to rock hard abs? I ride the mechanical duck outside the grocery store 300 times a day.