God: you’re an amphibian.
Frog: what does that mean?
God: it means you can breathe on land and in the water.
Frog: omg you mean I’m a mermaid?
God: no that’s not what I-
Frog: [whispers] I’m the littlest mermaid.
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why I oughta
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Me: Go to bed
4-year-old: But I have questions!
Me: You’re stalling
4: I need to know!
Me: What?
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hair coloring options for women:
out of a box = $12.99
going to a hair salon = $7,000
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“Have you tried sexy lingerie?”
me: yeah but it just creeps her out.
ME: do you agree that the opposite of break is repair
WIFE: yes
ME: and the opposite of fast is slow
WIFE: yes
ME: then the opposite of breakfast is repairslow
WIFE: no it isn’t
ME: *pinching bridge of nose* let’s try this one more time
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me: just a sec, he’s using the litter box
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I immediately snatch them and put them in my trunk and yell, “I got you”!