Sometimes I wonder how air conditioners actually make air colder, bet i could learn online but then i think no mike, best not rock the boat.
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Therapist: Do you think it’s ok to cry?
Me: Sure. Like if you have to go to Costco on a Saturday.
Teenage son gets academic honors every year in school, yet he can’t cut a straight line with a lawnmower. I believe I am being played……
50% of raising kids is begging them to use their words.
50% is begging them to be quiet.
It’s a good thing this pandemic is almost over and we’ll be returning to the office soon because I’m almost out of Post-it Notes at home.
turtleneck: oooh cozy
mock turtleneck: oOoH cOzY
The little toadstool has spoken.
nurse: how do you rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
My house is clean so please don’t eat or drink or come by or let my child come home.
If you can see the bread you are not using butter correctly.
ROBIN: How come you wear dark colors but make me wear a bright yellow cape?
BATMAN: [under his breath] It’s called a bullet magnet.
ROBIN: What?
BATMAN: What?
My husband doesn’t worry about me cheating because he knows I hate everyone.
Guy: I hate my spouse.
Friend: You gotta end it.
Guy: I also hate myself.
Friend: You gotta en… learn to love yourself!
the killers: it’s called mr. brightside. verse 1 is about being cheated on
producer: geez does it get resolved in the 2nd verse?
the killers: no, we literally just sing all of that again. won’t change a word
producer: sounds bad
the killers: its the greatest song ever written
The best part of working retail is when a customer insists you “check in the back”
Our inventory system is pretty rock solid, Susan, but sure, I could use a 5 minute break pretending to look
most german shepherds don’t know much german at all and are relieved when you try english
WIFE: I want u to be more spontaneous
ME: ok
[later]
ME: *hides in closet with goalie mask on waiting for her to walk by*
henry VIII found four more women to marry him after he cut his wife’s head off and i can’t get a txt back
“The Perfect Relationship”
Gordon Ramsay as an art judge:
*Throwing crayons
This “drawing” isn’t worth the paper it’s printed onBabies crying everywhere
ME: don’t involve me in your bullshit
SON: it’s called homework
Check out @funTweeters. Laughing until I was crying!
Note to self: Before committing any murders, get head and shoulders. Can’t be leaving DNA all over the place.
One time I put the burnt side of a grilled cheese face down on my child’s plate and almost got away with it.
I realize I put this off but how much weight can I lose in 2 hours?
only 11 steps left
Sure, I could live a pious life so St. Peter lets me through the Pearly Gates. Or I could just crawl under the gate since IT SITS ON A CLOUD
sucks to be a bad guy in the teenage mutant ninja turtle world like
“who stopped u”
“turtles”
“huh”
“no they were like faster than normal”
“Wow, this toilet is really uncomfortable…”
~Me drunk in the hot tub as my guests throw themselves out