7 thoughts u have when buzfeed steals ur content
-WTF
-OMG
-Huh
-FAIL
-LOL
-NOPE
-why is a multimilion dollar website riping off my twiter
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Hey, which Instagram filter takes out all the insecurities?
Just by looking into someone’s eyes, you can tell if they have eyes
You can’t trust the mainstream media, that’s why I get all my news from the giant in my dreams
I wanna know why it’s embarrassing for me to talk to my kid when he’s gaming. Like bro, they know you don’t live alone.
At some point in your life people stopped getting excited when you finished all the food on your plate.
an owl mistook my man bun for a sleeping hamster again today
Rules for a happy marriage:
3. Separate bank accounts
2. Separate data plans
1. Separate bathrooms
Meteorologist has to be the easiest job in the world. Just keep predicting no meteors will hit us and the first time you’re wrong everyone’s dead anyway
“That’s a lot of food” I say as if I’m not going to eat it all.
I’m smart. Just not remembers how to write a cursive Z, smart.
I love meeting people whose three kids’ names are gibberish but whose dog is named Steve.
Married with Children was much funnier on TV.
*throws phone over courthouse metal detector. catches phone on the other side. resumes conversation*
The mail slot on your door is so you can tell the mailman you love him
Maybe a ninja is fighting a chameleon right in front of you.
Ever think of that??
Daughter: What’s a warehouse?
Me: It’s a man who was bitten by a house, and is then cursed to transform into a house at every full moon.
Daughter: Wow.
Me: *Nodding as I exhale a huge bong rip*
12: dad my friend wants to know if I can spend the ni-
me: YES what time can I drop you off? Now? Is now good?
13-year-old: Do you know where the cord is to the electric keyboard?
Me, knows exactly where it is: No.
I just want the courage to stick with my choice of medium sized refreshments after the cashier tells me that large is just 25 cents more.
GUY: I think I’m done eating
ME: did you need a to-go box?
DEATH ROW EXECUTIONER: again, stop asking them that
We found out today how many people it takes to hold me down for a flu shot.
I don’t know what I just witnessed, but this guy was swirling his glass of wine so fast, like a washing machine on it’s final spin, that I asked if he could do my laundry.
You better watch out
What’s my type? Someone who is supportive. Someone who is warm. Someone I can just curl up and relax with. Wait I’m describing my bed again.
Me: I’m really struggling with this potty training.
Friend: How old is your kid?
Me: Kid?
My daughter asked if she could marry her brother when she got older and I was SO uncomfortable because I was NOT ready to tell her about Alabama yet
[I go to Hell and everything appears to be virtually identical to Earth]
“Well this isn’t so bad”, I say
[I immediately notice that my voice sounds exactly like I do on a tape recorder]
BOSS: Don’t just stand there.
ME: Bust a move?
BOSS: What?
ME: Nothing, I’ll go make some copies.
*wife sees me grab emergency kit from trunk after getting a flat tire*
calm down brent just call a tow tru*I’m already shooting flare gun*
*a tear runs down my cheek*
someone ripped my self portrait
*a tear runs down my cheek*