[2045]
The national language is Yeet. Your daughter’s fiancé is a YouTuber whose legal name is Landon FTW.
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Person: “Why are you in a wheelchair?”
Me: “I was born this way. You should have seen the tiny wheelchair in the ultrasound.”
The secret to brushing a toddler’s teeth is to play some music, use two toothbrushes… then have a good laugh at yourself for thinking there are any real parenting hacks
EVERY picture my husband takes of me is like
In a war with my neighbor to see who can attract more hummingbirds. We need more wars like this.
Sometimes I get bored and tell people I’ve never had pizza before.
Them: You’ll sleep when you’re dead.
Me: I’ll go ahead and take an advance, if it’s all the same.
There’s a button on this hotel phone that says, “Pizza”.
I may never leave.
All Your Eggs in One Basket would be a lovely name for an only child
Avril Lavigne and Chad Kroeger’s engagement proves that not only is love blind, it’s also deaf.
the most impressive scene in any spy movie is in Casino Royale when james bond is in a hotel shower and knows immediately how to use it.
[simba and nala sit atop pride rock staring at a beautiful sunset]
simba: *pulls engagement ring from his hip pocket* circle of wife amirite!
nala:
simba:
nala: where’d you get a hip pocket?
If you’re looking for a good time, I’m a blast when I’m alone.
Let me make this abundantly clear
– window makers probably
I need a Valentine’s Day card that says, “Sorry we keep almost-divorcing during the pandemic.”
For Earth Day, turn on your air conditioner and open your doors and windows. If we all work together, we can totally cool this planet.
I’ve eaten enough chinese food in my day that my fortune cookies have started to contradict one another
[infomercial]
ME: wanna know how to lose 15 lbs with 1 easy trick?!
AUDIENCE: YES!
*a surgeon amputates my leg right there on stage*
My mom could not make it over for dinner tonight…. Anyone want to come over and sit at the other end of the table and keep yelling out “stop eating so fast Tony”
Therapist: What’s your earliest memory?
Me: Crying to my mom when I couldn’t find my shoes
Therapist: So around what, five?
Me: Seven this morning
Einstein was wrong. The real definition of insanity is trying to clean your house when you have children.
Chess in Australia must be hard.
“Check, mate”
“Checkmate?”
“What?”
“Huh?”
Him: I don’t believe I caught your name.
Her: I don’t believe I threw it.
I hate the word Fiancée. Why do i have to speak french just because youre getting married
Interviewer: what would you say if I said you talk too much.
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:
A beloved neighborhood bagel shop called Schmear We Go Again
I read that the middle child is becoming extinct, so I guess you could say I’m an endangered species.
Spaghetti, because you didn’t like that shirt anyways
Guess who’s going to finally get their shit together in 2022?
Not me. But God speed, whoever you are.
Me: Did we get a bunch of new cups?
Wife: No. Our daughter brought them all down from her room.
Convicted of murdering the English language, he was sentenced to death by elocution.