Ffs 🤦♀️ I forgot to get skinny for the summer again
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Welcome to your forties.
You brag about how early you went to bed and you’re jealous if someone beats you.
“It’s terminal-”
GOD! HOW LONG DO I HAVE?
“Departure time is in three hours.”
THREE? WHAT DO I DO?
“This is an airport.”
SO WHAT? I’M DYING!
Today, a man looked me right in the face & said “You’re not hot!”
Actually it was a cop &he said “Here’s your ticket. Have a nice evening.”
so many songs about heartache but only one about a werewolf loose on the streets of london??
Talking vulture: You dead yet? What about now? OK, I’ll wait.
I saw a product for cars today called “Rapid Odor Removal,” and everyone who buys it should be put on an FBI watchlist.
A small child could swim through the veins of a blue whale’s heart. Let’s make this happen.
Girl: So, your dating profile says you enjoy long walks by the sea & making ur own wine?
Jesus: ON
Girl: What?
Jesus: Long walks ON the sea
Me: honey, want anything from the grocery store
Him: I feel like grapes but I don’t really like grapes
Me: say no more
Three seasons into Game of Thrones, and I still can’t figure out why all the characters are named after psychiatric meds.
Might quit my job and become a content creator and live off the royalties for the next 19 seconds.
Nice job Instagramming your plane ticket with enough personal information to take out a mortgage in your name.
Elderly woman at bus stop just said my son was “beautiful.” UM STEP OFF PERVERT UR LIKE 40x HIS AGE cc: @LAPD
Does anyone else picture a person actually “squatting” in a house when someone says there’s “squatters” there? or is that just me?
I invited Alan over for dinner.
“Alan Jacobs? Or Alan who thinks he’s Captain America?”
*a badly painted bin lid smashes through the window*
*wife hangs a “No Diving” sign above the tub like that’s going to stop me*
thanksgiving in nutshell
Never in my wildest dreams have I imagined myself entering a bank, wearing a mask, and asking for money.
[2 monkeys in a bath]
Monkey 1: OOOHH OOHH AHH AHHH AHAH!!
Monkey 2: If it’s too hot Colin, put some cold water in
Shout-out to smartphones for eliminating tedious tasks from our lives like reading books or watching the road when we drive.
i wish jigglypuff was real imagine how well rested you could be all the time
DRUG DEALER: whatya want?
ME: *takes his hand in mine* what do YOU want?
DRUG DEALER: *tearing up* no one ever asks me that
Sylvester Stallone is looking more and more like G.I Joe doll put in a microwave on high for twenty minutes
[reading of my will]
To my nephew, William, I bequeath the satisfaction equivalent of unjamming and popping out a compact disc tray; I also leave him the alacrity to accept what a shit inheritance this is, and then $100k just to spite the other nephews who never sucked up to me.
“Everyone give us money in case something happens and when something happens we’ll call you a liar.”
-insurance
I’ll bet even homeless people look at funeral homes and think, “Nope. I’d rather stay out here.”
If listening to a 30 minute explanation of a 5 minute YouTube clip sounds fun, parenting may be right for you.
[job interview]
HIM: What makes you think you’re qualified for the Social Media Director position?
ME: [typing] Hold on…
HIM: Please put down the phone.
ME: [typing] Hold on…
HIM: What the hell are you doing?
ME: Live tweeting this interview.
HIM: When can you start?
Lifting up my shirt outside the piercing place as a cautionary tale of what a formerly-pierced belly button can look like after pregnancy
The first step is admitting that the other person is the one with the problem.