Based on my family’s hatred for vegetables and always throwing them in the garbage, I hope I’m never in a coma.
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me pausing my music to see if the siren is in the song or its outside
[texting]
-have a good day
You two!
*to
Ugh *tpp
Arghh *yoo
DAMMIT *two
shit *TOO
YOU TOO
There! 🙂-please stop texting me
Ha! You two!
Saw a UPS guy come out of the forest with a package. Guess a bear does ship in the woods.
The police want me to wear a wire; albeit a thick handcuff-shaped wire.
My young nephew said that people with glasses should only be able to marry other people with glasses. He’s like a tiny Republican senator.
I can fix him.
if I wasn’t supposed to grow up to want a sugar daddy why did we base an entire holiday around a much older man bringing me presents for being a good girl
3 asked if I remembered when she had a cough and I brought her snacks in bed and I asked if she was worried about getting a cough because of the pandemic and she said what pandemic can I just bring her snacks in bed
Today is the first day of the rest of your life and you’ve already screwed it up.
Friend: Duuude it’s fuckin’ Friday ni…
Me: *already closing the lid to my hibernation pod*
started a fight with my boyfriend because we were watching moulin rouge together and i asked him if he would kiss me if i contracted tuberculosis and he hesitated for 5 seconds
Joker: hey can you not punch me? yanno, social distancing haha
Batman: *pulls out batarangs*
Joker: ohhh are those sanitized?
Batman: ugh you know we really shouldn’t even be out in Gotham
Joker: oh I just needed eggs lol
Batman: me too!
[both eye last carton]
* flirting with disaster
disaster: Gross
me: “that sounds terrifying”
waitress:
me:
waitress: “what sounds terrifying?”
my wife: “he thinks you said ghost cheese not goats cheese”.
7 years ago to this day, I swallowed my gum and broke a mirror, so as you might imagine, this is a pretty big day for me.
Dont be worried about your smartphone and TV spying on you.
Your vacuum has been gathering dirt on you for years!
*placing Trump & Hillary signs on my lawn
Neighbor: “Confused about who to vote for?”
Me: “What? No! I’m making a Halloween haunted house.”
*at adoption center*
“Okay yeah they’re all great and all, but which one is the most photogenic for Facebook and stuff like that”
My 4 year old refused his dinner but it’s ok because I caught him eating a Milkbone earlier
Looking through 15’s yearbook:
Me: you’d crack up looking at my high school yearbook from 1995.
8: did they have color pictures back then?
😒
Toothpick use time frames:
30 seconds – It was free at the restaurant and you just wanted to suck the mint flavoring off it
60 seconds – Actually has something stuck in teeth
90 seconds – Things are getting weird
120 seconds – Sexual predator
For someone who said “Correct me if I’m wrong…” you seemed genuinely surprised and upset when I did.
My 6yo is chanting all the words that rhyme with sucker and this is going to end badly in about 3 seconds
My bed hair is on point this morning. JK, I look like humans were designed by a mean toddler
Evelyn says Betty’s Daughter is a lesbian but I’ve never noticed an accent.
you learn something new every day oh god make it stop
the pandemic has hit the spaghetti labor market especially hard
Shout out to weather for giving me SOMETHING to talk about when I encounter neighbors.
Can’t trust CNN? Next thing ya know Nigerian royalty sending me emails will be fake.
Me, taking my clothes off at a crematorium: So, where’s the sauna?