using only lowercase letters so everyone knows my stance on capitalism
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Me: [plunging toilet] “Damn it, You kids are using entirely too much paper!”
7yo: “I don’t even wipe so I’m out of this.”
Cute guy: Is this seat taken?
Me: (ok, play it cool) No. *smiles*
Him: *takes chair away*
Growing up I was convinced the only reason my parents had kids was so we could change the channel on the tv.
The plumber came to fix the toilet & said, “Where is the water main?” so I turned on the tap & said, “Right here, main.”
[being pushed into the middle of a dance circle] please, I have a family
*completely destroys wrapping paper by trying to swiftly glide the scissors to cut it*
[seeing random coworker at the supermarket] oh hey what’s up! i didn’t know you liked groceries
For once I’d like the menu options to carefully listen to ME. I’ve changed too, you know.
Hitting it from behind is just how I drive
my body: please…eat a vegetable
me: fine
my body: that’s not fried
That’s it. I’m printing my mom a hard copy of Urban Dictionary for Christmas this year.
I made my will yesterday and had to make my lawyer the beneficiary because my estate will just about cover his bill
A summer getaway for women that date younger guys in the bathroom & want to learn to carve cantaloupe?
John Cougar Melon Camp
Little straws like capri sun but for Taco Bell hot sauce packets.
[cutting through Brazilian jungle]
*finds indigenous village*
Hi, I’m a Prime member.
I’d like to complain that my shipping took three days.
My doctor just used a tongue depressor on me so I’m going out for ice cream to cheer the little guy up.
Whoever stacked these books is both evil and hilarious.
Not to brag but, they’re going to keep my résumé on file…
*works out for six weeks
*loses 2 lbs
*eats a carrot
*gains it back
Shall I compare thee to a wooly worm?
Thou art more fuzzy and more ravenous
Wife: did you know hippos kill way more people every year than sharks?
Me: how? by sitting on them? lol.
Hippo: [in the booth next to ours at Denny’s] I’m gonna kill him.
This EpiPen doesn’t write for shit. I’m not sure why this guy that handed me it needs it. He’s just flailing around grabbing his neck.
“Wow, it’s pouring out there.”
“Just let a smile be your umbrella!”
“That’s not how rain works, Karen.”
Ordered a pizza. Delivery guy and I talked for 45 minutes about swords and he got fired. Now he lives here, we’re gonna fight crime together
Poop your pants one time and suddenly you’re banned from the MacDonalds ball pit
Yes yes your avi is very attractive, but before this goes any further I need to know which streaming services you have passwords to.
My kitchen after I cut an everything bagel in half
Nothing is guaranteed to be less funny than when an NPR host says, “You know, it’s funny…”
It’s all fun and games until you send the clapping emoji instead of the prayer hands when commenting on the news of a death in the family.
[at the opera]
Me: what’s wrong with that guy
Wife: shh!
Me: but he’s tiny, he can barely hold that violin
Wife [whispers]: that’s a cello