I like to confuse my husband. So I smiled at him this morning.
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me
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meonstilts
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meandbatmanonstilts
Couples that stay fit together don’t trust each other enough to go to the gym alone
Jack and Jill went up the hill to catch the first flight off of this planet.
Happens to everyone.
[Watching the news]
This is all wrong, villains are supposed to be fictional characters.
Friend- Are you tired?
Me- Nope, just ugly.
[feeding baby Malaysian food]
“Here comes the plane”
*makes plane noises**spoon just disappears*
Realtor: I’m sorry but you need to drop your asking price.
Aquaman: absolutely not, it’s oceanfront property.
Realtor: again it’s ocean bottom NOT oceanfront.
Aquaman: but-
Realtor: come on man, four people drowned at the open house.
given that 14 was obsessed with garbage trucks as a toddler, you’d think he’d be better about throwing away his trash (more…)
please for the love of god wipe down your equipment after you use it!!! I hate when I finally get to the guillotine and it’s all bloody
Me: So my car made a noise and..
Mechanic: That’s gonna be expensive.. I can tell already.
Moses: And number 7 is thou shalt not steal
Ol’ lying, thieving, murdering Dave who hates his parents: This is starting to feel personal
If you lead a horse to pretzels and then to water, he will definitely drink.
How is Trick-or-Treating not a “protection racket”?
“Nice house you’ve got here. It’d be a shame if it got egged.”
[After kidnapping]
ME: Don’t worry I have a particular set of skills
..ME [making mice tuxedos] admittedly I don’t know how this will help
kid: *sniffle*
me: need a tissue?
kid: no
kid: *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle*
me: *opens one eye* I’m still awake
spider: *removes leg from my mouth and backs away* sorry
the 3 types of Beach Boys songs are “look, a pretty lady!” “boats are cool” and “I will die alone”
I don’t know why a dingo would steal a baby when you can steal cool stuff like rollerblades.
I RELATE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP BECAUSE OF THE ROMANCE AND NOT BECAUSE I UNDERSTAND HOW DIFFICULT IT IS TO EAT SPAGHETTI WITH A DOG MOUTH
My life coach traded me.
I received my 5yo’s report card today. His teachers are impressed with his leadership skills and want him to be the class tidy up captain because he’s so helpful! I’m really proud but also wondering if they’re talking about the right kid.
love those YouTube videos that are like “doctor reacts to brutal superhero deaths” because they’re always like “yup you would definitely die if you got decapitated because your body needs a brain to survive. subscribe for more medical facts”
[Phone with Mom]
“Did you just friend request me?”
I’m on fb now
“I’m not adding you”
Fine do your own laundry then
*accepts friend request*
Chopsticks are perfect for when you want to drop your food twice on its way to your mouth.
So that’s what we looked like?
[on the phone]
ME: Boss, I can’t come in today. Got a bad case of-
[puts hand over phone]
what was it again?DAUGHTER: [whispers] Boogeritis
ME: [to phone] It’s Boogeritis
Your stomach probably thinks all potatoes are mashed
me: ever been sued for enamel cruelty?
dentist: how are you talking out your nose
A beautiful woman said hi to me at the store and I panicked and said Merry Christmas.