Who needs an Air Fryer?
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Yeah. Spring cleaning is going well, thanks.
How deep is your love?
Please show all work.
Me: I’ve finally finished that jigsaw puzzle!
Her: YOU DRUNK! It took you 6 months!
Me: On the box it said 2 to 4 years!
I’m a failure as a sociopath. I’m just not very good at manipulating and taking advantage of people. I’m more of a so-sopath.
Just a reminder that you’re not allowed to hit your coworkers. Even if they’re stupid.
I asked.
Twice.
[using Ouija Board]
“Will i ever find true love–”
“NEW GHOST WHO DIS”
I accidentally answered my phone & panicked when I heard someone say “hello?” so I just did the best I could & made the fax machine noise.
I spoke to my husband earlier
He seemed quite nice
Please help, my kid keeps threatening to teach me chess
I’m trying to beat the world record for most cat paintings done in one night. The current record holder is George W. Bush, who did 911.
daughter: do you realize that you talk to yourself?
me: so you won’t answer when I call you but you’ll eavesdrop on my conversations?
daughter:
A Hallmark Movie where the woman discovers the true meaning of love while eating chicken wings alone in a booth at Buffalo Wild Wings
When I meet someone new I shake their hand really fast and whisper “yes, please don’t stop” because people need to learn not to talk to me.
Surprise a beautiful person today by disagreeing with them.
“Daddy, why is it dark at night?”
It gives the ghosts and zombies a time to run around and collect little kids. Goodnight, hunny.
Here’s my ONLY problem with Evolution:
When the chocolate chip evolved, how did the raisin not go extinct?
[spelling bee]
Your word is “echo”
can you use it in a sentence?
SENTENCE entence enᵗᵉᶰᶜᵉ ᵉᶰᶜᵉ ᶜᵉ
Things I’ve Learned From Horror Movies:
•Don’t have sex, you’ll die.
•Don’t leave the group, you’ll die.
•Don’t be black, you’ll die first.
I’m gonna start selling supplements that make you less healthy. Call them Smiteamins.
DENTIST: You were very brave. Do you want something from the toy bucket?
ME: No thank you.
“Do you moan when you eat?”
Me, making small talk in an elevator
[fancy restaurant]
HOST: uh sir, no outside food or drink is allowed
ME: this is my service chalupa
[Spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is *looks at card and sees Worcestershire* uh-
Contestant:
Moderator: *sweating*
Contestant:
Moderator: forklift
inflation so bad pets are getting jobs
I blame 2 of my 3 DUIs on Jesus because I specifically told him to take the wheel
Marriage tip: Never lie to your spouse but remember, the word “maybe” is your friend.
Why did they call it a parish and not a priestcinct?
The Punning Dead.
Trump: “I’m going to make sure we let in less immigrants.”
Pence: “Fewer!”
Trump: “Shhh, don’t call me that yet.”
Dressing up as the grim reaper while at work in the ER is not amusing says HR. So uptight.