Samurai holding sword: now we fight to the death
Me nervously clicking pen on: they better be right about this
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This all goes a lot faster in the movies.
*snowing outside*
HIM: I should salt the front walk
ME, nodding: Ooh, to enhance the umami flavor
*walks into a dollar store*
excuse me, where would I find the dollars?
Nurse – “OK we are gonna start you on the scale”
Me – “You know what maybe I’m not so sick after all, *pulls knife put of leg*
Today’s Google Searches, Thanksgiving Edition:
Life can be compared to a ‘Choose your own adventure’ book.
Sometimes there’s a happy ending; sometimes you get eaten by a bear.
Trainer: Run a mile on the track at your own pace.
Me: Okay. *starts running*
*halley’s comet goes by*
*trainer dies of old age*
*halley’s comet passes again*
*the sun dies*
*final episode of the simpsons airs*
Me(almost halfway done): Halfway there!
Sister: “Family shot time”
Me: “Whooo Hoooo….drink drink drink drink!”
Sister: [holds up camera]
“I want to take a picture”Me: oh
ME: I still suck my thumb at night, yesterday I called my landlady “mom”
JUDGE: you only have to tell the truth about questions you’re asked
Honey, I gained weight to prevent women from hitting on me. You think I want to look like this? I do this for you.
[Oregon Trail 1852]
Doctor: Any final words?
Man dying of dysentery: *coughing* I just hope that this gruesome experience isn’t made into a game for children to play.
When potatoes get eyes, do they start watching you? If so, we should call those ones spec-taters
Me (a pediatrician): *hands your baby a disassembled carburetor* Let’s test his motor skills
My name in Grease would be ChoRizzo.
I hate being bipolar it’s awesome
wishing you and yours all the best
[ Playing with Ouija board ]
Ouija board: I have a boyfriend.
I got a new vacuum that sucks so much, it was directed by M. Night Shamalayan
Diet hack: Spend your money filling up your gas tank so you won’t have money for groceries.
#WhenIMisspelled ya know.
ME: welcome home John Wick
JOHN WICK: thanks roomie. How’s my tamagotchi?
ME: *starts sweating profusely*
When did we get a dog?
-me, getting into the wrong gray minivan at Target
I can’t wait for the stage of capitalism where we have to watch a 15 second advertisement before we remember a memory.
Wife: Can you put the gps on mute, turn off the air conditioner and the music
Also my wife: why are you grumpy on this long drive
Lord of the Rings is wild cuz Gandalf told Frodo he had to go on a super dangerous journey and Frodo was like “ok can I bring my gardener”?
Me: I hate it when I realize I’ve made a bad decision, but I’m too far in to turn back.
Bartender: One more then?
Me: Yep
What do you do when your nose goes on strike???
You picket…
We never got the wreath, but we put up the hanger. This shows intent.
*pronounces UPS like yoops
When somebody asks for directions I just say “follow your heart” and drive away.