Bank ads make me want to hide my money under my mattress.
They also make me want to acquire some money for hiding, but that’s a side issue.
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I got my ID out today to buy wine and the woman in the shop said “it’s ok I don’t need to see it”. It’s fine…I’m fine
7-11 CLERK: what are you doing
ME: *staring at the hot dogs on the metal rollers* watching the oscars
We can’t afford to take our kids to a corn maze this year so we’re going to take them to an IKEA instead.
Imagine getting married and you write your own vows and it’s beautiful and everyone is sobbing and after the wedding your husband hands you the vows he wrote down in a sweet glass case to keep forever and you read them and the first line reads “your my soulmate”
guys named stephen “can’t ephen.”
I’m out of tweets so I’m recycling some of my most dope MySpace status updates.
venmo me $5 and i will find your ex’s hottest photo and start an argument in the comments about new york vs chicago pizza for some reason
Not to brag but my wife and I can hold complete conversations by rage loading the dishwasher
[my dad is in the backyard motionless gazing off into the distance]
wife: what’s he doing
me: oh, there’s a long standing tradition in my family
her: what is it
me: i… just… told you?
Will I understand Dune if I haven’t seen Darch, Dpril and Day?
me: [texting a friend i haven’t talked to in 17 months for no reason] hi
friend: hey! how are you?
me: [3 months later] i’m ok
me: [struggling to think of things to talk about] “so what do you do for a living?”
barber: [slowly stops cutting my hair]
It’s no longer a Twittercide, it’s Xterminated.
I used to think my mother in law liked me but then she bought our 11 year old a learn to play harmonica kit for his birthday
I really loved the idea of moving and re-decorating until I realized one pillow is literally $25
grateful there’s a whole airline for virgins . i do NOT want them on my flight
we all have needs. I need my wife to go run errands so I can swipe the last cherry danish.
I’m 45 and still don’t know what to do when live music is playing.
spider: I need 4 pairs of pants
assistant: might I suggest, instead of pants, a dress
spider: I’ll give it a try
[later]
spider: *twirling in a billowy dress* I feel fantasticassistant: very attractive, sir
If you have a plateful of generic fries they’ll only steal one, but you’ll wish they had taken them all
Hey women, save your money, we just want you wrapped in a bow for Christmas. Wait, don’t even worry about buying the bow.
Step outside your comfort zone to plan a play date for your kid with a parent you’ve never met before and endure an hour of small talk in 40 degree weather (because indoor play dates are too risky) only to have your kid ask “and now what?” the second they get back home.
“Dad?”
“Yes, son?”
“Where do Cowboys come from?”
“Well, son. When a cow and a boy love each other very, very much…”
Use helium in your air guitar to hit those extra high notes.
me: I’d like to withdraw 100K
banker: from which account
me: like whoever has the most
Me: I’m not petty.
Also me: Gives the kid who is mean to my kid yellow gatorade after the soccer game.
I’m at the age where my mind firmly believes I’m 29, my humor suggests I’m 12 and my body possibly died in the Civil War.
She gets stoked after reading:
“Big strapping boxer” on dating siteBut soon discovers he’s a 475 lb.
guy working in shipping at Amazon.
Me: I wouldn’t miss it for the world.
Friend: It was yesterday.
Only thing I miss about life prior to this pandemic is going to people’s houses just to eat their food and then immediately leave