This is my cat’s medicine.
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“Stop hitting me.”
-Rock bottom.
THERAPIST: What do u wish for?
WIFE [smiles at me] That we regain the passion & intimacy of our early years together
ME: A penguin butler
People: “I want 2020 to be like the roarin’ twenties!”
Earth: “Alright, infectious disease is spreading.”
People: “No, not like that.”
Earth: “The US stock market is tanking.”
People: “Wait…”
Earth: “LMAO Bars can’t be open anymore.”
There are 3 types of people:
1. Dog people
2. Cat people
3. Clean house people
Support bacteria
They’re the only culture some people have.
5: a hedgehog is just a mouse with rock ‘n roll hair
I scare off men like I’m some kind of evil clown hiding in their closet.
“I’m not a clown!” I shouted as I sniffed his sweater vest.
Phones down.
But is it really??
My dog acts like he’s always auditioning to be my best friend. I’m like “Dude, you already got the part…you can relax.”
SPIDER: But I need my ID
COP: I’m confiscating it
SPER: Damn you
Guy wearing Superman t-shirt. LOL. Way to blow your identity idiot.
Me: (checks Duolingo to see if there’s a lesson plan to learn the new weird slang my middle school kid uses unironically on a regular basis)
There is a lady who just asked me if Arsenal is a series! I asked her why?She told me that all Arsenal fans usually wait for the next season
What doesn’t kill you is still… going to kill you. Just slowly.
Me, on my 9th plate of nachos: So you’re telling me I have time
Doctor: I think I should refer you to a specialist.
I had rando stomach pain and went “ooh,” and patted my tummy, but I guess this looked sus
My wife gave me a funny look, so I panicked and said “the baby kicked”
Do you scroll through Netflix to find a good show for your dog to watch when you leave the house or are you normal?
Communication during co-parenting is essential.
My kids are now getting a total of 22 phone chargers in their stockings.
this country is so goddamn polarized
The sign at the pool says,
Children Under 12 Require Supervision.I guess anyone over 12 is allowed in with only normal eyesight.
amazon: our prime deliveries may be delayed due to covid-19
me: thats okay *hits accept*
amazon [seconds later]: *package smashes through living room window*
The only reason I watch political speeches is cause I’m hoping there’s gonna be a sniper.
I’ve never “hopped on a call.” I’ve trudged begrudgingly towards my webcam like a prisoner walking the plank
what if waldo was in the witness protection program and the books are just a way for the mafia to find him?
this is what they would have looked like, though
Him: *looking at 6 empty paper towel rolls, maple syrup, spoons, and a tennis racket on the floor*
What happened?!
Me: There was a spider.
I don’t understand people who punch walls. “I’m so mad, I want to spend all day tomorrow plastering over the hole I’m about to make.”
Just weighed myself. I’d strongly advise against y’all doing that.
[zoo]
ME: Haha…this one’s face!
WIFE: Tha-
M [bangs on glass]
W: Stop it
M [pulls funny face]
W [elbows me aside] So sorry, 2 tickets pls