Me: “This new flavour of Pringles is horrible.”
Wife: “You’re eating a tube of tennis balls.”
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Millennials complain a lot about how we can’t afford homes or retirement savings like our parents, but we have a lot of things they didn’t…like GPS, food allergies, adult acne, side hustles, and fluency in mental health terminology.
Me: Shhh. You have to keep it down or my husband will hear us.
*Me talking to a loud, crinkly sleeve of Girl Scout Cookies.
Please don’t delete your tweet. Yes, it was pretty stupid, but my reply to it was a masterpiece.
I feel so bad every time I startle an introvert. Please come back
Guess when toothpaste was invented? 1892. Guess when kissing was invented? A DISGUSTINGLY LONG TIME BEFORE THAT.
All I’m saying is nothing is more annoying than people who ask “Why do you let them annoy you?”
Went to Costco for eggs. Walked out with a toaster oven, an 80 inch 4K TV, minus 1 child and no eggs.
I accidentally had two energy drinks today and now my house is decorated for Christmas.
My wife said she wants to rescue a cat so I threw it in the pool.
Myth: Have kids close in age. It gets easier and they’ll have a friend to play with
Fact: They’ll fight. Every hour. Every day.
HANNIBAL: thanks for coming over for dinner
HALF-EATEN CANADIAN: thanks for having me
[pre-op]
Me: In just a few minutes we’ll administer your euthanasia.
Patient: Don’t you mean anesthesia?
Me: Sure. Whatever.
FRIEND: Hey, how are you doing?
ME (who goes to a lot of concerts): Wooooo.
If you upload these, I hope you enjoy hell.
[looking at family picture]
Me: Such good times
3yr old son: But I’m not in the pic
Me: *ruffles his hair* I know, buddy
I love that Twitter is so international. I can hit “send” & be misunderstood by people all over the world almost instantly.
I like to intentionally barge into guys wearing camo and then look around bewildered like I have no idea what I just ran into.
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r: what can I do for you?me: sorry, I’m looking for a landscape gardener
What if “my anaconda don’t want none unless you got buns, hun” was just Sir Mix-a-Lot saying that his pet snake is a picky eater and prefers bunnies.
I once went to a party with 10% battery life on my phone so you can shut the hell up about your “scary” battle at Normandy, grandpa.
If your bar serves those giant beers in a cowboy boot, I’m leaving. I hate gimmicks. I mean, I’ll drink the beer first, but then I’m out. Damn hipsters.
TERMINOTOR: come with me if u want to live
ME: ok cool
*just sits there*
TERMINOTOR: COME WITH ME IF–
ME: ya i got it. im good right here
#WasSoAmusing Some of it. That’s why…for some this works…others need it “perfect”.
Please pray for my 5yo who demanded I get him a glass of water because he’s “too thirsty to walk to the kitchen”.
I do this awesome move at the dance club with my shoulders where i slump them down and go back to my hotel and violently masturbate
Wife: Let’s spice things up in the bedroom.
Me: Hey baby, I’ll tikka your masala. Heh.
Wife: Absolutely not like that.
Mario Kart gave me unrealistic expectations of how banana peels affect traffic.
My cat constantly looks at me like I asked her to give me a ride to the airport.
[throws salad into a garden]
Go home boy…you’re free now.
Last week my son asked me why we don’t just call them ‘water hydrants’ and I still don’t have an answer for him.