Hell hath no fury like a 5yo who didn’t get as many pepperoni pieces on his pizza slice as his brother.
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“What a nice doggie.”
“I’ll have you know it’s not a doggie but a pure bred.”
“YOU HAVE A DOG MADE OUT OF BREAD??!!!!”
He-man has a Masters degree
Waiter: Ma’am, your meal comes with two sides
Me (dragging a cigarette): Everything does, kid. Everything
Went to the grocery store hungry. I didn’t need to pay rent this month anyway.
Joe: Okay so we sneak in one night around February, steal his shoes
Obama: Joe
Joe: And then dump legos all over the floor
Inventor of wicker furniture: I want this to break and injure someone eventually
doctor: we’ve had your results back
me: what’s it look like
doctor: a piece of paper with numbers on
A dating app where they just match you up with somebody with an identical credit score is yours
I often think of the time I thought I had lost my phone and spent five minutes looking for it while ON THE PHONE with my sister. As I was looking, she asked if I wanted her to call it. We are geniuses.
14: Wanna play a game?
12: Sure!
14: Do an impression of Mom
12: Oh that’s easy
14: WITHOUT SWEARING
12: Forget it.The end.
Someone: what have you been up to?
Me: thanks, you too.
YOGI: Close your eyes and breathe.
ME: [angrily rolling up my mat] I was under the impression this was a picnic and you were a talking bear
“You are what you eat” I whisper to myself as I pour my dead dog’s ashes into my cat’s food bowl
Air Bud’s owner: There’s no rule in the book that says a dog can’t be on the court.
Chief Justice Roberts: *sigh* We’ll need his measurements for the robe.
“I hate seeing you like this,” she thought every time she encountered anyone over the course of the day.
I am a mother, of course I talk to myself. I am the only one in this house that listens.
“Treat her like a princess” everybody said.
Then they get mad when I marry her off to a cousin from a neighboring country for political gain.
Changing my name to Shotgun so my friends call me
THIS HEADLINE
murderer: [rips open my shower curtain] why are you wearing shoes
Spice up your boring roofing job by wearing roller skates.
wut hotdog?
My diet was going really well until I woke up.
Me: I feel like we haven’t talked much lately. Why don’t we talk more often?
My husband: We can talk and fold laundry together later if you want.
Me: …
Him: …
Me: “I don’t want to talk to you” takes so much less time to say.
Him: How have you lived this long?
me: [sneaking out of a funeral] this is DEAD boring lol
mourner: [whispering] hey where’s the priest going
cashier: would you like to donate to help fight kids—
me: lemme stop you right there. yes
therapist: your chart says you identify as a narcissist?
me: no no, i said arsonist
therapist: ok great, I’ll correct that now
me: the best arsonist this world has ever seen
I’m at a legal conference called “Divorce on the Beach.”
My 9 yr old asked where my husband and I were going and I said, “Divorce on the Beach,” and he looked me straight in the eye and said, “Awww that’s too bad.”
*sales call
Sales Rep: Trust me sir, I’m giving you the best deal..
Me: Ofcourse I trust you, we’ve been talking since 2 minutes, feels like forever
My cat just dragged in a half eaten sausage, I have no idea where he got it from but it tastes expensive.