That plant looks good. Let’s eat the bit that stays in the dirt
– first person to cook a potato
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What happens when Christopher’s car breaks down?
Christopher Walken
[animal noises] it’s only those with a destination who can be lost
[soldier dying in my arms]
“You take this & you give it to my wife.”
“No [pushes watch back to soldier] she lives really far away from me.”
Ask someone how they’re doing & they’ll say fine. Share with them a random health issue & wait for the 20 min dissertation on their ailment.
My parents, 2017:
“Put down your phone and hang out with your kids.”My parents, 1989:
“Shhh, not now, we’re watching TV.”
Me: Can I stick a finger in it?
Wife: No.
M: C’mon, it’ll be HOT.
W: …
M: Just my pinky?
W: Keep away from the sauce and go set the table.
God: you’re a decapod.
Crab: what does that mean?
God: it means you have 10 legs.
Crab: b-but that’s too many legs.
God: at least you don’t have a hundred.
Crab: why would someone have a hundred legs?
Centipede: yes God why would someone have a hundred legs?
I feel a little cheated when someone’s bio is in English but all their tweets are written in gobblety gobblety.
I remember being a kid & excited whenever the doorbell would ring. Now when it rings, I drop to the floor & don’t move like its a bank heist
My doctor thinks I’m hot. He said “fever” but I’ll take it.
Alligators can survive for 2-3 years without eating. My personal record is 16 minutes.
No. YOU-buprofen.
Breaking news:
thought i heard hailstones at my window but it was just the sound of my bones as i stood up from a chair
Doc Brown: We have to be extra careful not to alter the past or the future!
Also Doc Brown: lmao flying train
PATIENT: I bet medical school was pretty tough
DR DOG: yeah I remember one time I did an assignment 4 times bc I ate the first 3 copies lol
Hey girl, are you pineapple on pizza because a lot of people say you are disgusting but I kind of like you?
New notice I stuck up in town this morning. Are you this person?
<enter password>
chicken
<password is weak>
chickensoup
<password is feeling a little better>
HER: I love Deadpool
ME: I love Dead Pool
HER: Oh, cool, you read comics too?
ME: *staring out at pond where I toss victims’ bodies* Hmm?
My 10 y/o daughter checked my wife’s Fitbit and she “didn’t move enough last night to be Santa Claus” and I still don’t have a “real beard” so it appears the old man will be back next year.
Have a teen so when she’s five minutes late for Cross Country practice, it’s your fault for driving the “long way.” Nevermind practice started at 6:00, and she got into the car at 6:01. Those details are irrelevant.
Nephew: Were the scorpions around when there were dinosaurs?
Me: You mean like the band?
My favorite thing about teaching high school is when a student turns something in a week late and then emails two hours later because I haven’t graded it yet. It’s great.
Every time I see people kiss goodbye as they get out of a car, I think how lucky I am that I didn’t get that Uber driver.
ME: (ordering for my date) What do you recommend for the lady?
HOT DOG VENDOR: Hot dogs.
Love is always patient and kind.
One time I saw a biker’s funeral procession and realized even dead people are cooler than me.
Apparently the thirstiest creature in the whole world is always a kid who’s been told to go back to his bed like a hundred times.
I just saved a ton of money by using my Pizza Hut points to order free pizza- earned from the ton of money I spent on previously ordered pizza.