Guy Who Invented Figurative Speech: I’ve got something that’ll blow your minds.
Townspeople: *fleeing in abject terror*
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It’s okay bowel syndrome, I am irritable too.
Well, at least tomorrow is Friday.
-Me having a bad Wednesday that’s about to get even worse.
Finding out that my kids take the “freeze” “unfreeze” game seriously might be the greatest moment of my life
*wonders how long they’ll stay frozen for*
I’m thinking of taking my Twitter down, and @all_tweet_calls too. I probably can’t, I’m probably addicted, and I know it’s a running joke that people will say they’re deactivating & then come back.
But the haters are really getting to me.
1/
robert frost: i took the road less traveled by, and that has made all the difference
boss: you’re six hours late
imagine being the mom in Gremlins you just wanted to have a nice family christmas and your husband brings home a new pet then it starts multiplying and evolving into little demon lizard things and you have to put one in your new blender and you’re like why is this my life now
Just changed the vacuum cleaner bag and I’m feeling pretty handy.
Let me know if you want me to fix your transmission or your hadron collider.
How much is appropriate to tip the police officer who opens the squad car door for you?
Freaky Friday 2:
The mom and daughter switch bodies again
The mom doesn’t go back
She keeps stealing children’s bodies
She lives forever
My 8yo nephew who has never seen a CD player before just asked if the eject button was for his seat in my car and in this very moment I wish it was
*Door creaks open*
*Faces lean in*Wife: They need more lunch money.
9: And money for the book fair.
17: And gas money.
13: And can you sign this permission slip?Me, from the commode: Guys… can any of this wait ten minutes?
Don’t measure your worth by how much money you have. There are other ways to evaluate wealth: How much salami is in your home right now? Do you have both a bicycle air pump AND that weird little pin that always goes missing? How quickly could you get your hands on a large goose?
[hears a baby crying on the train]
Can somebody put that thing on silence please?
“It’s a baby..”
…
“…”
Vibrate?
If u rob a container store does that count as organized crime?
the concept of santa actually pisses me off a lot. i work hard all year to buy my kids presents, but all the credit goes to some fat old guy who squeezes down my chimney, eats my food, makes out with my wife, and disappears. this is bullshit
It takes my husband longer to choose a rental car online than it did for us to choose the names for our sons.
Who teaches the chickens to fry a steak?
Barber: ok that will be $900
Chewbacca: (chewbacca noise)
Them: Pleasure to meet you.
Me: Give it time.
You said I could have my way with you. If you didn’t want me to experiment with gas and fire, you should’ve been more specific.
Anything is free if you can outrun security.
The more you know.
“This movie is intended for 18+ viewers.” Bro, I don’t have 17 friends to watch this with.
“Your name?”
“Annie, R.U.O.K
“Annie, R.U.O.K?”
“R.U.O.K, Annie”
If you press this button, you will get a piece of cheesecake but one person on earth will die so-
*me already pressing button* sorry, what?
Don’t believe anything a weatherman says until he takes off the jacket and rolls up the sleeves.
*tooth fairy arrested for incisor trading*
If my dad asks, there’s definitely NOT a karate tournament in our house tomorrow at 3.07pm *wink*
She really didn’t have nine lives, just one very stubborn life that wouldn’t go away.
one taught me love
one taught me patience
and one taught me pain