Cop: you’re going to prison for forgery
Me *slides him a 37 dollar bill* what about now
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Yes, the 5:00 whistle! I’m so excited I’m going to yell a catchphrase of some sort and slide right down the tail of an unidentified dinosaur on my way to clock out!
My kid just asked if I was alive in 1871 so home schooling is going well
PAL: Do you think the Cowboys will beat the Giants?
ME: There is no way
PAL: Why?
ME: Giants are very large and cowboys are just regular sized people
My dog ate my work from home.
If you come to my house and see a coffee cup upside down on the floor, just be my hero and put the spider outside please.
Surprised my wife with a paper airplane her reaction proves that women don’t care about origami
All cars should have a robot hand built into the driver’s seat headrest. If you don’t use your turn signal, it flicks you in the ear for the rest of the trip.
Dracula is actually one of the funniest books of all time. Jonathan Harkness shows up at Dracula’s castle, Dracula’s like “hey could you write like five letters to your fiance in advance that say you’re fine” and Jonathan is like “weird, but yes absolutely”
Sharon, call the vet
A baby is a horrible paper weight because it just keeps rolling off the desk.
Truthfully officer, I wouldn’t have pulled over, if I known all you were gonna do is complain about my driving..
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: This guy just died in my arms tonight.
911: How did he die?
Me: It must’ve been something I said.
“Great, now I have to pee.”
My five year old keeps saying creditor when he means predator, and I can’t bring myself to correct him because tbh it works.
I went for a hill walk in the rain yesterday. Anyway long story short, I can still do the splits
What’s your favorite position?
Me: sleeping
guys in LA in their 30s are like “i love going camping, i love sleeping outside.” and it’s like, ok, why do you bother having your parents pay your rent then?
If someone wants to spend time with you, they’ll let you know. Get rid of those people
[texting friend]
me: my wife and I had an argument and she just started texting her mom, is that bad
friend: oh man
me: now she’s texting my mom
friend: OH MAN
people are attacking at me with pitchforks simply because i choose to lay still under piles of hay, straw, and leaves at times.
Tip for great hair: Don’t wash it for 17 days. Finally shower. Wait for the compliments to roll in.
ME: I did it! I finished that project!
IMMUNE SYSTEM: good job!
ME: time for a nice break
IMMUNE SYSTEM: me too
ME: haha yeah
ME: wait
*stranded on island*
*puts message in bottle and throws it into sea*
*years later gets message back*
what’s updog?
*fist pump*
I see your account went private, good luck on the job hunt
When I yell the wrong name in bed I blame autocorrect.
Tomorrow is my company’s office holiday potluck. I really hope they like the french fries I found between my car seat
Ways To Win My Heart:
1) Be smoking hot
2) Be thin
3) Be a pig
4) Be bacon
At family dinners, I always offer to bring the potato dish. It’s always vodka.
Everybody values honesty, until they have an ugly baby.
Men’s underwear watching them buy more t shirts