*needs a hug
*taps car brakes a little too hard so the seatbelt locks upNice.
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Priest: “We are gathered here today to mourn the passing of-
*looks at the casket suspiciously*
Erwin Schrödinger.”
My son uses eating utensils with the accuracy and success of the most rigged claw crane game.
Doing couples therapy by myself to try and get double the help
Do people who happily announce their pregnancy know they are going to be stuck with a baby afterwards?
Idea: Breathalyzer tests at the airport, to make sure you’re drunk enough
[job interview]
Interviewer: “Describe yourself in 2 words.”
Me: “Atinubs. Econsibu.”
Interviewer: “You’re hired. Welcome to CAPTCHA.”
My Grandad had a pet shop. Which was a stupid thing to have as a pet.
If human civilization had a narrator it would just be some guy repeating “Little did they know…” over and over and over.
When you do drugs, you’re also doing all the drugs that those drugs have done.
My diet was going really well until I woke up.
Love a good morning stretch that turns into an involuntary pterodactyl screech
You want me to be your daddy? Then close the damn door, we’re not heating the outside!
Got home at 2:30AM after traveling from Miami to Los Angeles yesterday. I slept 5 hours, unpacked everything, cleaned our entire house, including washing clothes, towels, and sheets + went grocery shopping.
I will never be this productive again, so I had to tell everyone. 😂
I find that if I wear my snorkel gear when I go check the mail, the neighbors are far less chatty.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Interviewer: How did you hear about the position?
Me: *sweating profusely* W-with my ears.
hitman: [about to jump out of my closet]
me: [walks in wearing nothing but a cowboy hat] alexa play dancing queen
hitman:
Police: THIS IS THE POLICE! OPEN YOUR DOOR NOW!!!!!!
Me: Not with that attitude.
me: so what do you do?
date: I work with animals
me: *imagining an office ran entirely by golden retrievers in suits* your job sounds fun
How do I know you’re not a cop?
“If I was a cop, how would I have this?”
*shows police badge that just says ‘Not a Cop’ on it*
Oh, okay good
The only person who listens to me in my house is my dog, and even he pees on the floor sometimes.
Me: *eating ribs*
Morgue Attendant: *crying fearfully*
I can’t help being suspicious when somebody asks to borrow my effigy.
“Have you seen the cat, Sam?”
“The what now?”
For lent, I’m going to give up sexual innuendos but it’s hard… so hard!
*at bedtime
And in this corner weighing in at 32 pounds is a toddler calling herself the Intimidator. I see she has a “Sleep is for the weak” tattoo on her forearm and has made a strong move refusing pajamas and crying for mommy…
Stopping to get donuts for the office only works as an excuse for being late if the box isn’t empty.
Hey baby, do you like tan lines? Because I fell asleep with a badminton racquet on my face again and
Rejected Olympic Events:
Javelin Catch
Jello Shotput
Border Fencing
Cardboard Boxing
Menstrual Cycling
Salad Tossing
Wrestling Demons
7YR OLD: dad, when Bruno Mars sings “so many pretty girls around me & they waking up the rocket,” what’s he mean?
ME: he’s a NASA scientist