Me: My mom’s famous hot chocolate recipe involved making a bowl of Cocoa Puffs, eating the Cocoa Puffs, then heating up the leftover milk, and topping it with the marshmallows from Lucky charms. Occasionally she’d give us cookie crisp to dunk
Red lobster waiter: we have shrimps
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If it was really a smart phone it would have recognize that it was an ignored call, not missed.
No I don’t want your man. I’m not even sure why you want your man.
I took a pole and found that 100% of people in the tent were angry.
Even if you are fully vaccinated, you should not lick the escalator rails…
coroner: his stomach was completely filled with guacamole
detective: and that’s what killed him?
coroner: [looks at detective then at the axe in my skull then back at detective] no
what sorcery is this? How does my VLC player know its christmas ????
never compromise your values
No one in my entire life has believed in me more than the waiter who just gave me a single napkin to use while eating my lunch
i couldn’t do an interview from home i don’t have enough bookshelves to sit in front of
In my defense Facebook didn’t alert me it’s my wife’s birthday.
“You’re more likely to be killed in a car wreck than eaten by a shark.”
The shark made a convincing argument, so I got out of the cage.
I think my girlfriend’s a secret drug dealer–
I just answered her phone, and this man said “is that dope still there?”
Bruce Willis in a lot of action roles he’s played:
Bruce Killis
In summer, I drive with hands at 11 and 1 so the air conditioner vents point directly at my armpits.
Me: [Alone in our kitchen making a sandwich]
My teeanager: Why are you trying to embarrass me?
Oh, the Queen can move in any direction?
Let’s see her walk backward.
Now diagonally.
Cha-cha real smooth.
Keep your longtime co-workers guessing and questioning their self-worth by forgetting their names.
eye doctor: your results aren’t good
me: can I see them
eye doctor: probably not
You know why some people wear socks with sandals?Cos they’ve never been punched in the head for it.If you see an offender,do the right thing
Kinda crazy how the entire country can watch a hurricane destroy a city in real time now. 100 years ago it was just like, “When was the last time anyone heard from Galveston? Months? Should we send someone to check on that?”
one time my grandma told me about a secret menu at burger king that involved a police escort to a second burger king
I only block people that deserve it and those I don’t like because of completely made up scenarios.
I just found out Nicki Minaj isn’t animated!
[cocktail party]
Me: [swirls brandy]
Brandy: PUT ME DOWN
Not to brag but my bank says I have an outstanding balance.
“I’m practicing self care” I scream at the buffet waitress as she tries to wrench a whole steam tray full of lobster from my hands
Welcome to Condescending Club. Even an idiot would know the 1st rule. If not, you want paaaatronizing club. You know what that is, riiiight?
For someone I’ve had to physically restrain from eating dog shit, my son is awfully particular about which grapes he’s going to eat.
The CDC is warning customers to stay away from any form of romaine lettuce.
Deep inside, I always knew that stuff was trouble.
You can count on your dog to be the first responder when anything or anyone drops to the floor.