Women will never truly be equal as long as they’re smarter than men.
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I actually think a giant wooden horse filled with soldiers would work BETTER to infiltrate a city now. Like, what’s the chance of someone trying that move twice?
The printer is only printing blank pages, and it’s like it can read my mind.
Candy canes are the perfect treat. They are minty & put you into the holiday spirit & can easily be fashioned into a shank.
Sorry, but your kids don’t look adorable when they lose their teeth, they look like tiny homeless people.
A friend of mine is allergic to both peanut butter and bees, which he discovered when he bit into the worst sandwich ever.
PRO TIP:
Take all those used candy wrappers, put them in a paper towel, squish it into a ball, and then throw it away.That way, your kids won’t know you ate 20 candy bars before any trick or treaters showed up.
[Inventor of cage-free eggs] Why are these eggs in these cages
[trying to get a massage]
How much for a happy ending?
“Sir, this is a library!”
*whispers* sorry, how much for a happy ending?
Step1) Buy 100 cans of tuna
Step2) Drain the cans into a bucket
Step3) Soak ur cloths in the tuna water
Step4) Go outside & get all the cats
Me: did you know cows have best friends?
Wife: really?
Me: yep!
Wife: how do you know that?
[Myrtle peeking around the corner into the living room].
Me: I’m glad you asked : )
Me in my 20s: SEVEN MORE SHOTS AND THEN TACO BELL!
Me in my 40s: I have moderate hip pain & I believe I may have swallowed some hair
The hardest part of working out at home is seeing how much dust there is under my furniture.
it’s cool how the members of Anonymous are so good at computer stuff, but also wrote so many great poems and inspirational quotations.
I wish my face had a screensaver that would come on to let people know that they’ve been talking to me for too long.
CAT: mew
ME: indeed, u are correct kitty
CAT: mew
ME: well said, kitty, well saidFRIEND I FORGOT WAS THERE: are u ok…? Emotionally?
I read all men’s tweets in the voice of Homer Simpson. Especially the sex tweets.
A guy at the bar asked me to pass him the salt and pepper, so I punched him in the face and yelled, GET YOUR OWN DISTINGUISHED HAIR JERK!
The best thing I ever did was install a fake doorbell.
Now no one ever knocks on my door.
I cry way more when I’m angry than when I’m sad. So if you see my tears, look out for my left hook too.
why is everyone concerned about dying alone i don’t even want people to see me eating spaghetti
If it defies all logic, and makes very little sense then it was probably my idea…
Hike in groups. Bears like to have options
me: umm did you tell your teacher that means pretend karate moves?
6: no
me:
Truth. 😆😭😮💨
Card reader: this is not looking good
Me: mf’er, reshuffle it
So hot these last few days I’ve consumed 1,473,968 gallons of water and only peed 3 times
I just misspelled a word so bad that auto correct blew milk out its nose.
Me: Keep absolutely still. His vision is based on movement
Vampire: That’s a T-Rex, idiot
IMPORTANT:
IF YOU GET A TEXT MESSAGE WITH A LINK THAT SAYS “NSFW SLIM JIM” — DO NOT CLICK IT — IT IS A VIRUS THAT PUTS YOUR KEYBOARD ON CAPS LOCKPLS TELL EVERYONE
if my phone is so smart it should be able to tell i’m not trying to screenshot my alarm