Potatoes were such a good idea
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I’m very sorry, I must inform you, the stupidity has metastasized.
Not to brag or anything, but I got the high score on my scale today.
“Ok i’ll bite”
*literally any cat i try to be nice to
SCIENTIST: Let’s name this spider Long Legs, for its long legs
SCIENTIST 2: Hmm not kinky enough
My husband just got so tired of our argument he threw himself down the imaginary steps behind the couch.
So nice of the Oscars to give this tribute to Selma then not nominate it for anything
MOTHER-IN-LAW: There are Thanksgiving leftovers in the freezer
ME: Thanks but I…quit cold turkey
MIL: I never wanted you in this family
Oh, you hate leftovers? Maybe you should’ve thought of that last night when I cooked a big meal and you were “not that hungry.”
I just referred to tongs as ‘food tweezers’ in case you want to be in awe of my command of the English language.
What’s it called when your bar is better stocked than your pantry?
Payday
superman landing like a plane on his belly
ME: Not all heroes eat crepes.
HIM: It’s “Not all heroes wear capes.”
ME: Oh, so do all heroes eat crepes?
HIM:
ME: Then shut up.
Which is worse: that I had to wear a Frozen bandaid cuz all the regular ones were taken or that I spent 5 min. deciding between Anna & Elsa?
I just want to be as happy as a character in the first half hour of a horror movie
Her: Remind me if I’m ever on life support, not to have you in charge of pulling the plug.
Me: Yea, like I could get in front of that line.
Welcome to Insomnia Club. God dammit Bob. BOB. Steve wake Bob up. Steve?
My dog just puked on the floor.
5yo: MOMMY, LOOK!
Me: Eeeww!
5yo: We are just gonna have to move now!I like the way this kid thinks!
Me: What music you into?
Date: I love hip hop
Me: Yeah me too
[thinking of something to say to impress her]
Me: Soup Dogg is my cousin
There’s no gangsta way to pull on a push door
Tonight was supposed to be date night but instead I’m heading to the grocery store because my wife just texted me an eggplant emoji.
guys i’ve cracked the code
I’ve seen The Blair Witch Project and that’s all I need to know about camping.
Get in, octopus. We’re gonna open jars and do some taxes.
Stealing pillows is not as easy as I thought…
“STOP FRISKING ME
I’M JUST FLUFFY BONED!”
My preschooler talks a lot of trash when we play Chutes and Ladders for someone who needs help counting his spaces.
Spent $500 on groceries today. Any minute now, one of my kids will list 10 things I forgot.
[dinner table]
SHARK: i got the promotion
SHARK WIFE: are you lead sharkitect now?
SHARK: *pushes plate away* my career isn’t a joke, Sharon
coworker: you should try my therapist
me: i’ve seen their work no thanks
I have never in my life learned from another person’s mistakes, I would literally let a giant wooden horse into my house right this second.
Wife: you’ve hardly touched your dinner…talk to me.
Me: *sigh* I can’t keep teaching zoology, Susan. I’m so tired of answering stupid questions.
Waiter: how does the chicken taste?
Me: WITH ITS TONGUE