One advantage of adulthood is how easy it is to force my way to the front of the line at the ice cream truck.
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Se7en, but instead of deadly sins, the murders are based on different Smurfs.
When a kidnapper gives you* back because you’re too annoying to be around anymore, that’s called getting ridnapped
*me
I followed this woman on a bike with an empty baby seat for a half a mile yelling, “your baby jumped out!” before she gave me the finger.
When people introduce a statement with “Not gonna lie,” it fills me with confidence in their honor and commitment to veracity.
*gets bitten
*becomes shy shy
Me [greasing brownie pan with my scalp]: I’m just happy that this isolation hasn’t really changed me as a person, you know?
If you love someone, throw your earbuds at them. There’s a good chance they’ll be entangled in them and won’t be able to run.
I stole a friend’s phone today and set it so it will autocorrect “I’ve” to “me’ve” and me’m really excited about it.
This guy at the bar just said nobody gets off earth alive. And he and his buddies sat there for a second before the chick in the middle says “what about astronauts” and I love her
“Hello, Yes, This is Otter.”
I saved time doing yard work by renaming the weeds “plants”
So, showing you my sweet excel spreadsheet formulas ISN’T foreplay? I really don’t know what to do with that information.
Modern Warfare: a $700,000,000 dollar plane drops a $50,000 bomb on a $1.00 tent
Marathon Winner: Finishes a 26-mile marathon in under 2 hours.
Me: Walks up stairs using all fours.
When I watch hockey I pretend they’re fighting over the last Oreo.
I’d argue, but it’s like talking to a wall.
Sure I might have bitten someone today, but they deserved it.
Rewatched Nightmare on Elm Street and was reminded that when I was 8 I was so terrified of Freddy, Jason and Chucky that at night I would pray to them (not God) that if they spared me I’d become their Renfield and offered up my mean bus driver in exchange. We all did this, right?
I hate when people take my glasses, put them on, and say, “Ohhh, you really can’t see” ..NO shit..
Remember when you first started driving and everything was scary. Now you’re going 80, putting salsa on your taco, driving with your knees.
COP: careful, this guy’s insane
DETECTIVE: ok
[he walks into the interrogation room]
ME: i dont like the creme part of oreos
D: jesus christ
Got out of the shower this morning and went to put my Fitbit back on, the screen said “looking good.” Was more than a bit unsettling since I was naked. 😳👀
Me: I’m going across the street to get a beer.
Priest: You can’t bring a beer in here. This is a church.
Me: I can if it’s in my stomach.
Me: Anyone absent today?
Child: Nope….But 5 students were home sick.Only the finest education for my babies, folks…..
Just the other day, I asked my mom at what age do children start really listening to their parents but I don’t remember what her answer was.
Relationships are easy as pie!
*burns pie*
Me: *upon exiting the womb* you’ll be hearing from my lawyer
You can just make up words and if you say them in a Scottish accent, people will think they’re real:
Looka the wee janglers on that tary bibbit.
chews marshmallows with bovine intensity
Me: 47 MESSAGES IN UNDER 3 MINUTES?!
Genie: I told you wishing your dog could send you texts was a bad idea