Avenge me but only if it’s convenient.
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My girl put concealer on and now I can’t find her.
yeah sex is cool but have you ever seen the jerk who went speeding past you pulled over by a cop like one mile down the road
Bake a book inside a cake and help a convict escape into his or her imagination.
I just called one ex a calculator and another a potential murder victim so if you’re looking for metaphors, I’m probably the grapefruit.
If you watch Titanic backwards, you are an idiot. That is not the way movies are meant to be watched.
I often think if I’d taken a different path in life, I could be lying on a slightly more comfortable sofa right now.
people that say “on another note” probably use a lot of paper
Oh, you’re 19 and have abs? Yeah you’re supposed too. You haven’t been alive long enough to get fat.
They say “do something today that makes the world a better place”…….so I’m getting drunk.
Found my door mat
office jobs are so funny because you’ll be 24 and your greatest enemy in the world is a 55 year old woman named betty from finance
[at gym]
Him: How much do you bench?
Me: Way less than I couch.
Saw pine nuts at the store. I thought about getting some so I could make pesto. But I don’t believe that lie about myself
At dinner my husband hollered, “I’m going to run off to a place where I’m appreciated!”
My daughter: Don’t take my Barbie backpack.
My son: Can someone pass the butter?
My mother: You married her.
me: they’re all so cute but i don’t know if i can take one away from its mother and siblings
pumpkin patch employee: ok
Our youngest is making herself a smoothie so long story short does anyone know how to clean blueberries off your ceiling?
SUMMER BREAK WEEK 1
Kid: Can I have a popsicle for breakfast?
Me: No, absolutely not.
SUMMER BREAK WEEK 2
Kid: Can I have a popsicle for breakfast?
Me: After you eat your real breakfast.
SUMMER BREAK WEEK 3
Kid: What’s for breakfast?
Me: Popsicles.
[hosting a kids show]
ME: ok everybody, what time is it?? say it loud!!
KIDS: OWL! TOUCHING! TIME!
[camera zooms in on a startled barn owl]
One of my personalities goes to the grocery store and buys healthy food…
Now, I can’t find anything to eat in the fridge.
That’s great about your engagement, promotion and new car.
I grabbed the EXACT amount of hangers I needed to put away laundry.
Samsies!
her: i like a guy that can last long 😉
me, a piece of flavored gum: shit
I never answer my door because it’s always someone trying to get me to switch to Verizon or someone trying to get me to switch to God and I’m not interested in either of those services
When you’ve brought up your child to be kind and never take sides.
Husband: Who’s fatter – mummy or daddy?
Miss 8: You both are.
[the seventh day]
God: *walks in wearing bangs*
Angel: maybe you should rest
DRUNKEN GUNSLINGER: Oh, so you think you can poke me, do ya? *draws gun* Well, reach for the sky!
CACTUS: 🌵
DRUNKEN GUNSLINGER: That’s right…
The audacity per square inch in a 3 year old is unmatched at any age.
They’re not called “butt hole mirrors.” They’re called “hand mirrors,” according to this clerk at Walgreens.
*stares into the abyss*
*abyss pretends it’s doing something on its phone*
*breaks out of prison
*hunted by police for weeks
*crawls thru 22 miles of mud to your house*
Me: <taps on your window> DID YOU GET MY TEXT?
Wireless bra? What’s the password?