is this a threat
You Might Also Like
Damn what did I do next
The coolest part of the Bible is where one couple somehow populates the world by having kids from every race and ethnicity.
ME: please don’t be mad
GETAWAY DRIVER: what’s wrong
ME: i left my phone in there
*Hears a joke about a chocolate bar*
*Snickers*
Dollar Tree pregnancy tests.
For when you only want to be 35% sure.
If you leave me a voicemail that just says “call me back, I have a question” I am coming to burn your house down.
“Baby, I’m in the bedroom waiting for you”
Now I got your attention, let me show you a proper way to make the bed.
damn he’s good
Condoleeza Rice’s less successful sister is Apartmentleeza Rice.
If I say goodnight and an hour later you see me online it’s not that I lied it’s just that I failed.
I’ve seen such a change in myself this past year. I’ve really grown a lot. I need bigger pants
Six Flags: *opens first theme park
Five Flags: We should have seen this coming
Trump’s rhetoric has become even more disturbing and incendiary. Today he claimed “Burger King fries are as good as McDonald’s fries.”
The fact that the Oscars doesn’t have a host doesn’t bode well for Parasite.
Shoutout to torpedoes for getting through hardships.
Peregrine falcons: Attack from above. Prey on smaller birds. Silent. Cowards.
Geese: Will land in front of a full grown man. Hiss and honk to let you know battle has commenced. Audible boss music. Brave.
Calling in stupid to work tomorrow
cat: *plays fiddle*
cow: *jumps over moon*
dishes: *run away*
farmer: *sets down bong*
I’m very proud that I built my house completely by myself, with no help or prior experience. I often stand outside, hands on hips, just basking in the accomplishment. (Can’t go inside, EXTREMELY unsafe)
People who get stoned in glass houses should probably wear pants
…or whatever that saying is
HUSBAND 911: what your emergency?
ME: my wife hears everything
HUSBAND 911: do I?
ME: what?
HUSBAND 911: what?
[cannibal restaurant]
server: hi, who’ll you have?
cannibal: just bring me the Bill
My CW just barked.
Ok, it may have been a burp, but I’d like him a lot more if he were turning into a dog, so I think he barked.
My in-laws visited today.
FIL: when I was a kid I stole a candy bar from a store.
My 8yo: then why are you here shouldn’t you be in jail?
I love my son.
If I see a parked car with one of those stick figure family things, I always add a sticker of myself to it and then just wait in the car.
Got kicked out of the grocery store. Apparently yelling “LET THE BEETS DROP!” And throwing them at the ground is not acceptable.
In 1000 years, archaeologists will find tanning beds and think we fried people as punishments.
we don’t give my son hot dogs not because they’re unhealthy, because he eats them with jelly & the judgement in public is too much
The downside of being raised in the wild by wolves is that after you’ve grown up and left the wild, and you’re living in Shoreditch, they come to visit and you take them to your local vegan restaurant and they embarrass you by trying to order lamb.
NURSE: ur concerned about ur patient huh? Youve been pacing in circles for 10 mins
DR DOG: haha no im just trying to find a spot to lie down