Happy Friday
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[on phone to gf]
her: “you never understand me anymore so..”
me: “so what?”
her: “we’re breaking up”
me: “i can hear you fine”
Me: I won’t eat the brownies until you get home
Brownies: you lied
I panicked when my car wasn’t in the driveway after walking home from the mechanic so my Mensa invitation should arrive any day now
To save money, instead of going to the club, I just get drunk at home and yell “what?” into a mirror over and over.
Me: I think I’m suffering from auditory hallucinations.
Narrator: There was no narrator.
I thought I heard a noise last night so I got my bat and crept into the kitchen just to find out it was my own stomach grumbling.
I may be middle-aged but I still have the student loan debt of a much younger man.
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me between 2 and 50 times and you’re my 5yo getting out of bed at night.
*checks the hip hop section*
Nope. No one named Velocirapper yet.
I let a Pasta Chef borrow my car and he returned it all denty
tony soprano is my role model because he’s always lightly sweating and yet still highly respected by his peers
“What’s funny?”
The microwave beeping as you walked backwards.
“Why’s that funny?”
Because large objects beep going in reverse, Diane.
No matter what meal it is, always say you had “brunch” so people know how much better than them you are.
Magicians on Star Trek be like Picard, any card
I wonder if people who live on the sun are just as excited about the eclipse as those on earth..
This classic never gets old . . .
[creating seals]
Angel: It’s been a long day, how about just one more thing?
God: Give that dog a wetsuit & lets go the pub.
Ah, I see my old arch nemesis, the bottom of the bottle, has arrived.
I keep hearing about all these businesses having a deep clean. What even is a deep clean? Have I just been shallow cleaning all these years, he asks as he wafts a duster in the general direction of some dust.
[does his regular grocery shopping]
Cashier: having a kid’s birthday party?
Me: ……………….yes.
I don’t wish mean people any harm but maybe they would be happier if they moved to that nice farm my parents took my dog to when I was 5.
Satan: And this is the TV room.
Me: This isn’t so bad. *turns on TV*
*only thing showing is golf*
When my boss is mad and takes it out on me, I do less work.
Can’t reward bad behavior with a positive response.
Training works both ways
“I’m a copy-editor”
– boring
– who cares
– what does that even mean“I am here to right what has gone wrong”
– mysterious
– ominous
– maybe you have a sword
I’d been using my new hand-mirror for over 6 months before I realized it was actually a framed stock photo of a much less handsome man.
I accidentally typed ‘thee’ and now I’m listening to lute music and my neighbour Jeff just succumbed to the Plague.
“We could do that, or…”
Translation: I’m afraid I’ve just placed your suggested plan gently into the bin.
Waiter, Waiter, this chicken is nothing but skin and bones.
Would you like the feathers too?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Ladies,
Please stop answering our questions with “yes, of course”. All you’re doing is forcing us to nod our heads like we knew that.
Men
I just read a book about Stockholm Syndrome. It was terrible at first but by the end I kind of liked it.