haha sucks for women that they have to sit down to poop
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BOSS: it says here that you’re too sexy for your shirt. Is that a typo?
ME: *doing my little turn on the catwalk* I’m also good with Excel
Her: I haven’t had sex in so long, I miss it
Me: Well we could…
Her: Not that much.
Accidentally switched the baby formula with coconut milk and now my newborn is complaining that her lullabies are “too mainstream.”
teacher: your son doesn’t think that 6 is a number
me: oh lol totally forgot we told him that
*burger king manager pulls me aside on my first day working there* when they say hold the pickle you don’t have to physically hold it
*maintains eye contact while checking ‘Dating Librarians For Dummies’ out from the library.
Kids: Yay! Summer break!
Me: Not so fast. Let me introduce you to…THE GREAT SUMMER CHORE CHART OF 2017!
*3 kids faint, 1 runs away*
my main career goal atm is to find a big bag of money in the woods
thanks, but I’M TOO FAR AWAY FOR YOU TO BE HOLDING THE DOOR OPEN FOR ME WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS STOP IT
“ANYWAY” — me when I’m about to keep talking about the thing I’ve been talking about for the last ten minutes
Terminator: “Come with me if you want to live.”
Me: “Oh, no thank you.”
There should be a place on the organ donor card that lets you leave your middle finger to a person you hate.
Thought it would be romantic to recreate the 12 Days of Christmas, but having 23 game birds indoors is actually a hellish nightmare.
You call it day drinking I call it very old grape juice in the morning
They say you are what you eat but what happens if you didn’t mean to eat it. I don’t want to be a bug.
ME: “I don’t want to talk about it it’s too long of a story I’m exhausted and I’m over it”
ALSO ME ONE HOUR LATER: “Oh that’s not even the craziest part listen to this shit”
You can tell an awful lot about a person by the way they boil their underpants.
There’s nothing to stop you from whispering “I’m in!” like a hacker when you enter your own email password.
I’ll bet the first ever drive thru window resulted in an incredible amount of broken glass.
4: mommy? *takes bite*
Me: yes, love?
4: *chewing* I’m hungry.
Me: …I have good news
My 3yo isn’t very original when it comes to naming his stuffed animals… Kitty, Brown Bear, Bunny, etc. So why should I be surprised he named the turtle “Turdy?”
[inventing mint choc-chip]
me: “people love ice cream right?”
boss: “yes they do”
me: “people love chocolate chips?”
boss: “i hear ya”
me: “know what else people love?”
boss: “hit me”
me: “brushing their teeth”
*gets first nose bleed since childhood*
Apparently our periods have synced, can I have some Midol and a tampon?
Please stop making sex robots, if I want to have sex I’ll do it the way God intended: By making a regular robot fall in love with me.
God: you’re a baby shark-
Baby Shark: doo doo doo doo doo doo.
God: w-what was that?
Baby Shark: sorry go ahead.
God: a baby shark-
Baby Shark: doo doo doo doo doo doo.
God: that’s like super annoying.
Baby Shark: hee hee.
God: doo doo doo-great now it’s stuck in my head.
i wish all
whales
a very
big
Found a potato way under my kid’s bed and I’m not even surprised, just relieved it’s not that old of a potato
Everyone in “Star Wars”.
Everyone in “The Muppets”.
Everyone in “Game of Thrones”.This is now the first tweet with over 140 characters.
Brains are sexy
Wish everyone had one
Home Alone is my favorite movie about how child neglect and bad parenting is hilarious