I have a drawer in my kitchen full of sauces that are patiently waiting for the big day that I use them
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We should have known how people would handle the pandemic after watching them drive.
Me: yes, I’ll take the free burger
Cashier: sir, you have to buy one to get one
Me: I only want one though, the free one
Any family visit eventually has the Agatha Christie detective moment where someone explains at length whose fault it is everyone has a cold.
Flex on the Average Person by eating 9 Spiders a Year
[on my way back to the posting caves]
Again Mr Jovi,
Please stop mailing us bible verses. You cannot continue living on a prayer. We require an actual mortgage payment.
Outfit choices
Work: jeans & a t-shirt
Hanging out: jeans & a t-shirt
Special event: jeans & a t-shirt
Stalking your ex: jeans & a t-shirt
Having a nice lunch: jeans & a t-shirt
Doctor appt: khakis & a nice shirt so you appear to have it together
Marriage is not a noun; it’s a verb.
Kinda like crying, screaming, or dying.
God: I’m calling this a horse
Angel: Wow you’re so clever, creating an animal that can pull carriages, transport goods, and can help plow the fields!
God *just wanted a chair that can run* thanks
I don’t know what the big whoop is if I run out of masks and have to put a paper bag over my head, but the police officer who pulled me over sure seemed pissed about it.
Me: we should name our firstborn son Blake
Her: but he’s been named Jeff for 24 years now
BOSS: This is my second wife.
ME: Concurrent or consecutive?
Some people call me space cowboy. Some call me gangster of love.
This one guy calls me Maurice. He sucks at giving nicknames.
Wife: What do you think our song is?
Me: I’d have to say “Happy Birthday”. It’s the song we’ve sung together the most.
Wife: Idiot…
Just took $20 out of my friend Martin’s wallet (he has ALS) because that ice bucket nonsense ruined my new kimono.
Answer every question with “Yes, but is it deep-fried?”
Yeah, I’m allergic to wheat, but I really like it so I eat it anyway. I’m a real gluten for punishment.
*at July 4th cookout*
3: Mommy, where is America? Why isn’t she at her birthday party?
Me: [explains the concept of a country]
3:
3: So where is she? Does America have legs?
Me:
We all have that one friend who returns our yacht a little too clean.
[first date]
Her: Are you wearing a wire?
Me: *realizing I forgot to take the hanger out of my shirt before putting it on*
My dentist plays country music, so it’s like a double torture.
[being mugged]
ME: can i keep things of sentimental value?
ROBBER: ok
ME:[pulling things from wallet] my favorite cash…my lucky debit card
Them: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Yes.
We were behind on mowing the lawn, which was already driving my husband nuts, but then the neighbor called to see if we’d like to borrow his lawn mower because clearly ours must be broken and now my husband says we have to move
[crashing my bike]
spin class instructor: how did you do that
A haunted house, but just with a bunch of mall kiosk guys chasing you with face cream
My wife always nags me and it’s annoying. “Stop chewing so loudly”, “Why don’t you replace the toilet paper roll?”, “Wake up hurry, my water broke!”
[standing outside in the rain]
*opens weather app*
Looks like rain today.
Doctor: are you sexually active?
Me: I usually stay pretty still.
waiter: wine?
date: I don’t drink
waiter: water?
me: she said she doesn’t drink pal