None of my mirrors are working right, they all make me look old and fat.
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I just ran out in front of a deer just to see how they fuckin like it.
[Breakup]
Her: We’re just different
Him: How?
Her: Well, you want to hike & camp
Him: And?
Her: And I want to be a cartoon on the internet
My pants had a harsh talk with me this morning and said enough is enough or they’re going to split
Deep in the black void where my heart once beat, there lies a small, glowing ember– oh wait no that’s a Cheeto.
After moving approximately 35 times in about as many years I’m here to tell you that you’ll keep the people who matter most. What you’ll miss are the restaurants.
[Sexting]
HER: Tell me what you want
ME: A sequel to Ratatouille
HER: No! Tell me what you want in bed
ME: Oh! *gets in bed* a sequel to Ratatouille
Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you do criticize them, you’re a mile away and you have their shoes. End of tweet
When can I start eating bats again.
Meanwhile, at the bar:
Batman: “Whisky.”
Aquaman: “Appletini.”
“WHAT?”
“It’s vodka, apple schnapps…”
“You’re off the Justice League.”
[playing hangman]
wife: Pick a letter
son: Does it have to be from the alphabet?
me *gets up*
wife
*sound of his college fund jar breaking*
My niece asked me to unlock my phone so she could watch cartoon on my phone, I didn’t answer her, next thing she took my phone out of the room and I was looking for her. Just guess where I found this babe? In front of our family portrait, trying to unlock my phone with my picture
*opens twitter*
*sees “Show me 2 photos of yourself that you like”*
*closes twitter*
Someone in the office sneezed so instead of saying “bless you” I looked them dead in the eyes and sprayed a can of Lysol.
My stylist: Your hair is dry and damaged.
Me: Hey! I think it’s fine.
My stylist: Yes, that too.
I always make sure the garage door is shut. Wouldn’t want hoodlums stealing the stuff I’ve been meaning to get rid of for years; hell, decades
[first day as a hacker] *puts ax down* i got inside their computer alright
[God creating vultures]
How about a goth flamingo?
2019: The floor is lava.
2020: The year is lava.
Hide all your naughty entertainment on VHS. Even if your kids find it, they will not know what to do with it.
friend: why did you take up running?
me: *really wants to catch an ostrich* no reason
on a scale of 1 to eating cereal out of a bundt cake pan with a melon baller, how lazy are you about washing dishes on the weekends?
My youngest daughter is blowing relentlessly on a recorder
So you can understand what level of stabby I am right now
Guinness Book of World Records should be in the Guinness Book of World Records as being the book with the most world records.
I wouldn’t complain if I died, mostly because I’d be dead.
[family dinner]
my mother: when are you going to settle down and give me grandchildren
me: [pulling a duckling from my pocket] i’ve introduced you to gregory and you refuse to acknowledge him.
Sleeping Beauty taught me that:
1. I’m not the laziest girl in the land
2. If you sleep long enough, strange men break in & do stuff to you.
alien graffiti can be pretty hurtful 😔
The main reason I don’t own a gun is because I would shoot people who scare me when they sneeze.
reasons white people riot:
1. their sports team wins
2. their sports team loses
3. no more tickle me elmos
4. tea
5. pumpkins
Me: I’d like to adopt that baby.
Clerk: Sir, that’s a family sized
platter of Super Nachos.