Next time you see someone you don’t like, begin conversation with “I see the assassins have failed.”
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I wore a training bra for years and these things still don’t listen to a word I say
they should hide prizes in more boxes than just cereal, I’d love to reach into my laundry detergent and find a colour changing spoon
Everyone is just looking for that special someone who could do way better but chooses not to for some inexplicable reason.
Crayons: come in boxes of 8, 24, 64, or 96
School supply list: box of 18 crayons
7-year-old: Can we leave the house?
Me: We could go for a walk.
7: And then what?
Me: Come back to the house.
7: I’ll just stay here.
This day in history. 2000. International Mother Language Day recognizes the cultural significance of such phrases as “Don’t make me come over there!” and “Because I said so!”
fellas who call it the walk of shame why are you admitting that it’s embarrassing to have sex with you
*writes in climate’s year book “Best of luck. Don’t ever change!”*
*Takes out phone & plays Cindi Lauper’s True Colors as you reach for the last slice of pizza without asking*
How many vintage novelty sweaters does a grown woman need? Apparently just one more
If you’re afraid of a book’s influence on the young, banning or burning it is foolish. Assign it in an English class and you will destroy it within a generation.
Itsy bitsy spider (drenched): sorry I’m late
Spider’s wife: what took so long?
Itsy bitsy spider: I got washed down the water spout
Spider’s wife: you won’t be climbing up that again
Itsy bitsy spider: yeah… for sure
Got attacked by a pigeon this morning and accidentally won a 5k road race.
Tonight, people who are weaker, slower, and dumber than you will deliver bags of treats to your very doorstep. Seize this moment.
Elmo: Oscar, why are you a grouch?
Oscar: Growing up, my parents were-
*stabs Elmo with broken beer bottle*
CUZ I LIVE IN A TRASHCAN.
If I’m ever arrested, I would use my one phone call for pizza.
Mongoose is French for “my goose.”
I love sipping margaritas by the pool. Or, as my neighbor with a pool calls it, “Trespassing.”
3 is yelling at baby for rolling off her mat and she’s responding by screaming at him and I’m so glad I followed everyone’s advice and had a second kid so they could entertain each other.
If you’re looking for a good time, I’m a blast when I’m alone.
MY CAT (checking her watch urgently): 3:30am? oh heavens I was almost late for parkouring loudly about the house
ME: If you won a gold medal you’d wear it all the time too
FRIEND: Ok but that’s a parking ticket
My 8yo told me she wants me to live forever which was sweet until I told her I’d run out of money and she replied “ok nevermind”.
at this point space aliens could land on earth on sunday night before the election & we’d all go yeah ok whatever
Senility is the pits. Spent an hour driving around the mall parking lot looking for my car.
One time I went on the Hulk rollercoaster and had maybe the best picture ever taken of me
If I had known I could hurt myself just by sneezing I wouldn’t have been in such a hurry to grow up
*tucks an errant lock of my gynecologist’s hair behind her ear with my toes*
Sorry, grandma. You stood up. You have to be Slim Shady now.
Went to back to school night and saw a poem my daughter wrote and she said our house was clean so now she gets cupcakes for dinner.