*catches frisbee*
“this is the kinda thing I mean when I say you guys don’t take staff meetings seriously”
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Who called it oatmeal-raisin instead of a misfortune cookie?
houseplants b like due to personal reasons i will be passing away…
I finally learned to stop listening to the voices in my head when they told me to put pineapple on my pizza. Would have been a lot fewer burned buildings had they suggested that sooner.
I have a scar on my lower back from the time I bounced on a trampoline and landed on one of the springs the wrong way.
I call it my trampoline stamp.
My Twitter account would benefit from a breathalyzer-activated password.
I don’t want to alarm anyone but I’ve purchased a ukulele. Soon as I can jam, there’ll be auditions for my band behind the 7-11.
NO WEIRDOS
Just got added to a list called “people.” Glad I made that cut.
Do ducks and geese ever sit in a circle and play “ape ape human”?
Under Bush we had 3 Shrek movies.
Under Obama we had 1.
Can we really trust a president whose #1 goal was to bring down the Shrek franchise?
ME [excited about how much sodium is in my club soda]: 0mg!
When you want your ball, but you don’t want to get wet
🎾💧💦
My 2yo put her lamp in a different room because it “needs a vacation.”
All we do is support you, all you ever do is complain about us!
-if bras could talk
I told my 5 year old that he was allowed to choose 1 item from the grocery store so we’re walking home with a cart.
5: when you laugh your head off does it grow back?
*smokes fat doobie*
*enters hotdog eating contest*
*sets Guinness World Record*
*gets disqualified for using performance-enhancing drugs*
When people ask me “plz” because its shorter than “please”.. I just tell them “no” because its shorter than “yes.”
A friend was talkin about her expensive face lotion. She said she was confused about it runnin out so fast. She finally asked her husband & he said he wondered why she kept buyin such tiny bottles. Fool was using it on his whole body😭. Said it was silkiest skin era of HIS LIFE
Oh, you don’t have a Valentine for Valentine’s Day? I didn’t have a groundhog for Groundhog Day.
Did you even think about that??
Her: Do we have any chicken stock?
Me: I’m not sure what that has to do with soup, but I’ll call my broker on Monday.
If eHarmony were honest, it would pair some people with a room full of cats.
*watching The Revenant*
*rewind*
*play*
*rewind*
*play*
*rewind*
*play*Him: What are you doing?
Me: Taking notes for when I fight a bear.
God: ok u can make one human that’s it
Satan: how do u feel about toupees & the name Donald
All I’m saying is if you really want someone to dance with you, you probably shouldn’t tell them to shut up.
As a parent, you learn to accept you can’t run away from your problems. They will find you. And they will demand fruit snacks.
Picture us, making love. Wrong. More cheese.
just found out the guy who is lying about the trans flag being the “MAP flag” was charged in court as a pedophile
😂😂😂😂😆😆😆🤗🤗😂😂
AGENT SCULLY: someone got diarrhea so bad they had to land the plane
AGENT MULDER: [tosses file on her desk] ever hear of the diarrhea alien?
90% of parenting older kids is making sure they’re not in the same room when they have to do homework.