it’s my first birthday in four years so say happy birthday to me rn or i’ll k*ll u with my bare hands
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The cheapest way to make your lips look fuller is to trip on a dog toy, land flat on your face, then sit back and enjoy the swelling.
[the day after I meet a genie]
boss: hey team, you can all leave five minutes early today
me: *loudly* oh wow so weird
I used to think chiropractors were useless till I had back problems… Now, I stand corrected.
When someone tells me that no parenting technique works for every child, I remind them of the 7 Cs: Connection, Compassion, Communication, Chocolate, sCreen time, and Covering your ear holes with Cotton balls.
“It’s very expensive.” – Chipotle employee
“Look, I got money to spend in here.” – Julia Roberts
Pretty Woman 2: Guacamole Costs Extra
(First Day as Mailman)
ME: *wearing a suit made out of stapled together pieces of mail* Sup?
BOSS: You’re supposed to deliver those.
ME: No.
My grandfather was so racist he had a white & white television set.
me: can i buy animal crossing
mom: you can hang out with the raccoons in our garbage for free
Rihanna was named the sexiest woman alive. Is it really necessary to specify “alive”? Are they worried someone will dig up bodies & compare?
“I’m a green onion and I’m here to say, I can be enjoyed most every day.”
-A rapscallion
Me: could you put me in touch with my dead wife?
Spiritist: not tonight love.
Me: wow! It’s like she’s in the room.
[Masterchef]
Gordon Ramsay: describe the dish
Me: *proudly* ceramic, chef
Where there’s a will there’s a way. You just have to be nice to your rich aunt
An older couple saw me open my wife’s car door for her and came over to compliment me.
Moral of the story: old people are nosy.
rest in peace, 2023.
2023-2023
As the argument over the best way to dispose of a body escalated, I realized the date was going well.
Me: Beetlejuice! Beetlejuice! Beetlejuice!
Bartender: doesn’t matter how many times you say it, we don’t have it
A high-pressure hose will usually stop a coworker from showing you any more baby photos.
I want to fight these b*****s who are 28 saying, “I’m so old!” but I can’t because I hurt my neck looking down at the ground.
[dinner party]
*host clinks glass* “Everyone we’re having a baby”!
*whispers to other guest* “Oh come on! I told them I was a vegetarian.”
*whistles at dog*
DOG: I have a boyfriend
My daughter just told me she doesn’t like Cadbury eggs and oh thank god bc the 12 I bought her accidentally fell into my facehole
Sharks don’t kill people. Tornados with sharks kill people.
MY KID: can you do a cartwheel?
ME: not if i want to live
Each year, my Dad gives me money to buy Christmas gifts for everyone.
Each year, my Dad says, “I can’t wait to see what I got everyone!”
Frodo: Holy crap, I’ve never seen anyone fight like that! How did you get so good?
Legolas: (thinking back to when Santa wouldn’t pay for his health care) … Dragons.
people say all kinds of stupid things, my favorite is hello.
Whoever came up with *gobsmacked* should name all of our emotional responses.
ME: Tell me my future.
PALM READER: I see you going to prison for murder.
ME: Hah! Shows what you know! This isn’t even MY palm!