Felony Vandalism is a beautiful name for a girl.
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Interviewer: So, what makes you think you’re a good candidate for this Automotive Shop?
Me: I tire easily.
Gmail told me my password wasn’t secure enough but I couldn’t remember it to change it.
How is it not secure enough if I made it and still can’t crack it??
Almost got asked for ID this morning!
Ok, most of my face was covered by a mask but I’m still having it!
Who needs human contact when you can just cuddle a pile of clothes fresh out of the dryer
Good potato salad is like money. You never have as much as you want, and that’s probably a good thing.
As if parenting in 2020 isn’t bad enough, schools be like:
“iPads must be fully charged”
“Read all daily emails”
“A ‘healthy’ breakfast is essential”
“Wear pants”
“Ma’am, your language is inappropriate”
“PUT ON A BRA!”
“Have you been drinking?”Geez. Give us a break already.
me: babe, i think we’re ready to take this to the next level. here’s a key, i want you to move in
her: it says volvo on it
Clothes shopping with my 11 y/o daughter when she declares she would love to dress in more bright colors but “at the same time, I’m a messy eater.” It takes many years for some people to reach this level of self-awareness.
Him: *looking at 6 empty paper towel rolls, maple syrup, spoons, and a tennis racket on the floor*
What happened?!
Me: There was a spider.
Text your dad “egg salad sandwich” four times in one day. He’ll probably think his phone is broken.
wife: I’m having a baby.
me: *handing menu back to waiter* I’ll have a baby as well.
Me: if you tell me how many cookies are in this jar, you can have them all.
She: you ate them all didn’t you?
Me: and we have a winner.
I didn’t lose my marbles, I gave them away.
I am not on a plant based diet but my lungs are
*steps out of the time machine* Me: what year is this?
Wife: Stop playing with the washing machine.
god: when i close a window, it opens a door. jesus christ!
jesus: ya dad?
god: you need a new hobby. carpentry’s not workin out.
Her: How’s your drink?
Me: It’s ok. I can’t taste the alcohol though
Her:That’s cause we’re at the gym and its a protein shake
I told my husband no less than thrice not to get red delicious apples because they are not, in fact, delicious, so you all know what he came home with
I’d never survive in Canada, it’s so cold so cold I’d ask random strangers to set me on fire
[Justice League HQ]
SUPERMAN: Looks like Batman is hungry tonight
MOTHMAN: [visibly sweating] I think I’ll just fight daytime crimes
Police Officer: “Turn around!”
Me: *sings* “Every every now and then I get a little bit lonely and you’re never coming round…”
Which letter is the silent one in the word “scent?”
Is it the “S” or the “C?”
i dont swirl my wine because im sophisticated i do it because i can barely stand
Everyone is always doing laundry
*changes name to laundry
A broken heart won’t kill you, but it can make you feel like dying.
[ Dad having “the talk” with his daughter]
Dad- The best way to protect yourself is to use a condor.
Girl- You mean a condom?
Dad- * Hands her a gauntlet * Nope.
Me: My world is suddenly reduced to a few hundred square feet of space.
Hamster: Poor baby.
Just cleaned out my purse if anyone needs 17 pens or a tooth.