I’ll be wearing a pink shirt today in solidarity with those of us who don’t separate our whites from our reds when doing the laundry.
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Don’t mind me, I’m just a mom sitting in the dark eating a tub of ice cream because I spent the entire weekend doing laundry and then my kids changed clothes
(On phone) Him: I just ran a marathon in under four? Me: (eating) months or years?
my daughter said “it’s cold, but it’s a beautiful day.” ppl w no bills are so positive.
I predict that Obama’s next move is to threaten to hold his breath until Russia leaves the Crimea.
Who even sits in the middle on a sofa? Just buy corners and be done
.@cocacola i tried to give a coke bottle to a polar bear. he did not accept. also he took my son. i need my son back
caveman: I’ve invented the wheel!
hamster: finally!!!
Guantanamo Bae
I hate when I’m running on the treadmill for half an hour and look down to see it’s been 4 minutes.
“Can you make me look like this?” *shows hairdresser a picture of fire*
*bites nails*
Sorry. Bad habit. I haven’t been on a date in a while
“I can see why” she says, pulling her fingers out of my mouth
Nobody:
Toy Makers: KIDS ARE PROBABLY HARD OF HEARING SO MAKE SURE EVERYTHING IS LOUD
People who say watching golf on TV is boring have obviously never listened to golf on the radio
“If you’re happy and you know it, Stay in Bed. If you’re happy and you know it, Stay in Bed. If you’re happy and you know it, getting up will surely blow it. If you’re happy and you know it, STAY IN BED!”
(Job Interview)
Interviewer: So, tell me about yourself.
Me: I’m unemployed.
I: How about something personal?
Me: Personally I need a job.
Him: *seeing my apartment for the first time* I see you’re kind of a minimalist
Me: yes that is correct, I am very poor
“I love having my toddlers surprise me by joining my shower. Not only is it relaxing and efficient, it’s eco friendly.”
SAID NO MOM EVER
Me: Two men enter, one man leaves
Friend: Do you have to say that every time you drop me off at work?
Shakespeare: shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
Me: sure
Shakespeare: okay. summer’s day > you
Dating: OMG, his fingers just brushed against mine and I instantly have butterflies in my stomach.
Married: I swear, if even your stupid finger crosses onto my side of the bed at any point tonight, I’m going to break it.
Dunno how you Americans have the motivation and energy to pronounce the ‘y’ in ‘basil’ and ‘tomatoes’.
Sticker placement is key.
Hot girls who complain that you can’t get laid… do you live on a deserted island?
My mom still hasn’t used the roomba I bought her two years ago for Christmas because, quote, “I don’t want it to judge our house.”
If you don cowboy clothes, you’re ranch dressing
OB: “I need you to go away now.”
[Movie Theater]
Me: This Icee will last me the whole movie.
Me, immediately after previews: Ok so about that.
Me: Scientists have discovered a nearly 900,000,000 year-old fossil.
Child: Was it the skeleton of your childhood pet?
Me: Things like this are why no one likes children.
A great way to relive your childhood is to outgrow your clothes every few months.
I don’t want to pull focus from the Oprah interview but I am currently in a hot air balloon 30 miles off the coast of California and I have no idea how I’m going to get down safely