Me: I’m the world’s most gullible person
Friend: really?
Me: well apparently not
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My vehicle’s anti-theft device is standard transmission.
dave is coming over
“normal dave or dave whos alwayes doing impressions of evrybody we know”
[from outside] hi guyes, its normal dave
“noooo
6-year-old: Why do I have to share a room?
Me: It could be worse. Harry Potter slept in a cupboard under the stairs.
6: Yeah. By himself.
[as a lawyer]
me: “permission to approach the bench, your honor”
judge: “granted”
me, whispering: “are you mad at me?”
ME: OMG I love quizzes. Next question!
DETECTIVE: Where were you the night of murder?
me: oooh is that a bowl of jelly beans on the table?
therapist: yes help yourself
me: [mouth already full of jelly beans] if I could do that I wouldn’t be here
First date
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m currently trying to eliminate all cancers
Her: Wow, impressive
Him: Then I’ll move on to Virgos
I once confused a tube of superglue with a tube of lube.
It was horrible.
My model plane kept slipping apart
BARISTA: Thanks for coming. Enjoy your coffee!
ME: Thanks. You too!
BARISTA: You too? Oh no. Not again.
*pours ninth cup of coffee for the day and drinks it while excitedly sobbing
Is your GPS supposed to sigh before it says “Recalculating”?
[standing at your brisket smoker with a baggie of hot dogs] “Would you cook these for me?”
It’s kill or be killed. Or eat a sandwich. Maybe go for a light jog. Draw a picture of a duck. There are a lot of options out there.
[at the pub]
I could survive for six days with everything in the pockets of my cargo shorts.
Her: Quit talking to me
And now for my next trick, I’ll turn your root canal into a ski vacation
Me: what?
My dentist: what?
Secret to a successful marriage is to compliment your spouse before discussing tasks and chores
Babies are just like turtles, keep them in water and also feed them turtle food.
We’ve got people working on world peace, and I’m here wondering how I can swipe a piece of my patient’s chocolate without her noticing.
I’m the CEO of Boeing and I’ve been screwing up the planes on purpose. People were never meant to fly and I got tired of waiting for the gods to punish humanity for its hubris.
My wife bought a rice cooker today. I guess we’re going to eat a ton of rice over the next few days and then never again.
I asked my waitress if she thought me eating alone was embarrassing and she said, “I work at Cheesecake Factory”
“This year sucked, next year will suck too.” Enough negativity, let’s hear something aspirational. In 2024 we will put all tik tok content creators in jail
Not to brag but my bank says I have an outstanding balance.
OF COURSE I’m not on my first box of Christmas Tree Cakes! ARE YOU NUTS?!… I’m on my second.
My husband will prove that he knows all the lines of a movie by saying them before the character in the movie says them, but when I do it while watching a murder documentary it’s creepy.
My ex husband went to buy a lotto ticket & never came back, I guess he won, haven’t see him in over 20 years
If I were an orthopedic surgeon, I would totally set up shop at the end of a Home Depot aisle
A person’s true character is revealed when the shrimp tray comes out at a party.
Oh boy, $150,000!