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Walmart’s hair salon doesn’t charge extra to cut a live bat out of your hair.
BY THIRTY FIVE YOU SHOULD HAVE SAVED HALF OF YOUR RETIREMENT WHICH IS EASY IF YOUR RETIREMENT PLAN IS TO WADE INTO THE SEA
Me: I fell down the stairs with a quart of Jägermeister & I didn’t spill a drop.
Him: Well, how’d you do that?
Me: I kept my mouth shut..
Everybody: Pink starbursts are the best starbursts
Starburst Corporate: What I’m hearing is that the bag should be half yellow starbursts
And that’s why you clean your room, kids.
Spring chickens aren’t as comfy as memory foam chickens.
Dear Santa,
Please send gift cards. Your taste has gotten significantly worse in recent years.
*guy shows me his Chinese character tattoo*
“It means wisdom”*I show him a Batman BandAid on my arm*
“It means I was brave at the doctor”
If you throw a pot of boiling spaghetti at someone’s face and it sticks, it’s done.
i dont think any of the wikihow artists have seen a dog in real life
I get lots of strange looks because not only do I laugh at inappropriate times but I’m a very loud laugher, it’s a real detriment when you think of a joke while having sex.
Rubs Vaseline in his eyes so I match my Instagram filter
Good morning to everyone except my son who asked why I haven’t had a real boyfriend in years.
[being murdered]
me: hey are u Scottish
murderer: actually i am
me: then i guess u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
Parenting is basically just punctuating every conversation with various commands:
“Yes, I like your picture. Put on your shoes.”
“My favorite color is yellow. Finish your breakfast.”
“No, fish don’t snore. Go brush your teeth.”
Dear #Athiests
Evolution could never design and create a machine that consumes scraps and produces bacon
*purposely chooses network with most dropped calls*
The rest of the Justice League always makes Aquaman eat at Long John Silvers so they can watch him cry.
My 8 year old just pointed a lady into the direction of the toy section at this K-Mart and now he’s the assistant manager
A large group of other people’s children is called a “Nope”.
Sieved flour to rule them all
A pinch of salt to grind them
Cup of milk, then mix them all
add an egg to bind them-Lord of the Onion Rings
How long will it take my husband to get to the acceptance part of the grief process after learning that the dryer he fixed 10 minutes ago is broken again?
The slow disappearance in forks from the silverware drawer solidifies my fears of an upcoming arms race with my children.
For when Tinder doesn’t work
People think i am so incapable of doing anything on my own that even if i commit suicide they would say it was murder.
One Oscars rule that I have is when you say “TO MY PARENTS UP THERE”, you should have to clarify whether they are dead or in the balcony
Your face is perpetually itchy now that you’re not supposed to touch it.
It’s science.
WIFE: Ok *deep sigh* why are you in the bathtub w/ a horse?
ME: [soaping behind Mr Butters’ ears] It’s called a stable relationship, Thelma
Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.
Glad i moved to a hip neighborhood where everyone is hot and I look like a rat who figured out how to use H&M gift card.