Once I burned my Trailer down when I left a candle burning after a romantic date. To keep my street cred, I claimed it was a meth explosion.
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It’s just like my grandma used to tell me, never teach a monkey martial arts
Responding to someone putting on their jacket, picking up their bag, turning towards the door and walking away by asking “you off?”
Had my novel “Noah: The Early Years” rejected. They said the story lacks an ark.
I carpool with a guy & we have officially run out of things to talk about. Today he commented on how well-made the road was. I agreed.
invention of lasagna: what if pasta was a book
I was looking up Licking County Animals (in Ohio) because they have a litter of hound puppies I wanted to share but let’s just say puppies weren’t in the results.
A thousand Milwaukees is a Bilwaukee.
When I found out Santa wasn’t real I got so mad at my parents I stormed out of the house, got in my car and just drove and drove and drove.
To all my new moms, I highly recommend you start working on that upper body strength. Because you’re going to need to to haul a kicking toddler around football style.
*seductively feeding you chicken wings while you hit on a hot chick
“I’m sorry, I really don’t know what a wingman is supposed to do.”
[noticing that the girl i’m talking to at the bar is wearing a ring] I see you’ve won a super bowl
I washed my sports bra with the Fitbit still attached and won first place in all my challenges.
Him: drink?
Me: I have a boyfriend
Him: I have a goldfish
Me: What???
Him: I thought we were talking about shit that don’t matter
I put the “rad” into “gradual descent into madness”
Got excited because I found $20 in the laundry. Then I remembered my kids don’t have jobs and the money was probably mine.
Men what’s stopping you from dressing like ’80s horror movie hunks
If you don’t speak English. I’M GOING TO REPEAT EXACTLY WHAT I JUST SAID MUCH LOUDER. In hopes that you understand.
-Everyone at my job.
Somedays I feel like running away.
Then I remember how much I hate running.
I use my rear windshield wiper mainly to show off that I have a car with a rear windshield wiper.
Never understood why people need bathrobes? Just take off your clothes and have a bath, then put on some clothes after the bath. Why the need for an intermediate garment? This is a moneymaking scam being propagated by Big Robe.
Santa saw your nudes and he’s getting you moisturizer, and a good razor.
A sweater so itchy it feels like it was made from scratch.
I accidentally said “pastryarchy” instead of “patriarchy” and now I have a vision for a better world
I was at a funeral yesterday and spiced things up by walking over to complete strangers and saying “Ignore what everyone else thinks. I, personally, have no issue with you being here”.
Imagine my surprise when I found out “restraining order” did not mean she wanted me to tie her up.
GUY: I dare you
ME: no
G: I double dog dare you
ME: no
G: I TRIPLE dog dare you!
ME: [realizing if I keep this up ill get a lot of dogs] no
You’re not going to believe this, but I was doing really well, and then your email found me.
Being a parent to a preteen daughter is fun bc sometimes they’re mad at you for not letting them get a phone but other times they’re even more mad at you for not…[checks notes]…letting them get a pet venomous snake
I once had a girlfriend and then she got to know me.
heres my To Do List – become the new kfc colonel, mess with texas, invent a new animal just to piss off scientists