ME: *telling a joke*
SARA: haha
SARAH: hahah
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ACED my prostate exam!
I just asked my German friend if he has a lucky number and now I can’t figure out if he does or not.
My 6yo asked if she could read me her book on our ride home. I said sure. My 6yo with her best outside voice, “table of contents!” Oh boy, it’s gonna be a long ride.
It isn’t a successful BBQ until some drunken idiot walks face first into a closed sliding glass door.
I’m fine by the way.
Once, on Twitter, I followed a woman & she followed me back & we laughed & talked about life & how she was a man from Brooklyn…
“you’re too pretty to be so sad.”
aww well you’re too cognitive to be so ignorant, but here we are.
today a customer had to wait for blonde roast and he’d had to wait yesterday too and i was like “so sorry this is happening again” and he turned his phone to me and i was like oh no he’s on the phone with head office but he was showing me a video of a rat taking a shower
@funTweeters
Is that all?
“I wanna stab you.”
Huh?
“Cut your throat.”
What?
“Drink your blood.”
Um.
“Have your baby.”
Uh.
“Kidding! I’ll have a coke.”
Saying “have a nice day” to someone sounds friendly, but saying “enjoy your next 24 hours” sounds threatening.
[blind date]
Me: Oooh here she comes. Ok fella act cool. YOU GOT THIS
Her: Hi, I’m Linda
Me: *nose-whistles Despacito in its entirety*
Husband: *trying to thread a needle with far too thick string
Me: That’s not gonna fit, it’s way too big.
H: You’ve said that before, but I have a 7 year old who proves otherwise.
Me: *giggles
7: You guys are being weird again.
A group of us were talking about running a 5k; some are planning to power walk it, a few are going to jog at a slow pace and I thought I’m going to just skip the whole thing.
Adulthood is like the vet, and we’re all the dogs that are excited for the car ride until we realize where we’re going.
My 4yo has been asking for no syrup on her pancakes. I thought it was really weird because she loves syrup, but today I saw her put a warm pancake on her face which explains the no syrup, and also probably why her face is so soft.
*finds a corpse in the house*
Oh great, more cleaning.
I’m white, but not “I’m gonna check out the spooky sounds in the basement” white.
[2 T-Rex’s getting drunk]
“I’m wasted.”
“Me too. You know how bad?”
“Don’t say it again.”
“I can’t feel my face.”
“Goddammit, Kevin.”
If Twitter allowed us to attach a signature to each Tweet, mine would be : “He said, stupidly.”
I didn’t know about mascara, I thought girls just cried ink like squids.
[on date]
HER: What are you doing on your phone?
ME: An update
HER: What update?
ME: Not much, what up with you?
The only good thing about people who wear too much cologne is that they’re easier to set on fire.
Since when is a sweater vest not business casual?
Work is telling me I can’t wear them anymore unless I have a shirt underneath.
Justin Timberlake: I’m bringing sexy back
Sexy: *nervously* uh no thanks I’ll get an Uber
congratulations to them
a murder of crows, a troop of monkeys, a pod of dolphins, a herpe of Kardashians
I’m going bananas!
*What I tell my bananas when I’m leaving the house.
I wear my tattoos on the inside. Ever since having discount back surgery from a guy named “Spider.”
I saw an owl. He stared at me and didn’t fly away. I stared at him and didn’t fly away either.
The one upside to triplets is that you finally have enough babies to juggle