[showing my family to coworker]
This is a picture of my daughter & my cat. Mittens & Jack.
“You named your daughter Jack?”
Nope, mittens
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The general rule is that you shouldn’t ride an elevator during a fire, but I mean, talk about a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity
With one icy glare from Wilma, Fred knew. It was not going to be a yabba dabba doo time. It was, in fact, a yabba dabba don’t time.
I came across 3 snakes while mowing the yard today, but those of you in North America already know that because you heard me scream
We cut our bangs at dawn.
*Tosses a strand of lights over the pile on the laundry chair*
The tree is up.
Women hate it when you call them ma’am or sleep with their friends.
Cop: anything in your pockets I should be aware of?
Me: I don’t think so
Cop: *pulls out egg*
Me: what lol
Cop: *pulls out another egg*
Me: wait how are you doing that?
Cop: *pulls out third egg*
Me: ok mister
Cop: *pulls out egg carton*
Me: what a fun time we’re having
What I said:
GET IN THE CAR, WE’RE LATE!What my kids hear:
Start looking for a toy that was lost 5 years ago.
If at first you don’t like the beard on your face, don’t worry; it will eventually grow on you.
[ first day working at a pet store ]
customer: can i see that fish bowl?
me: sure let me get his shoes
The loudest sound ever recorded was the volcanic eruption of Krakatoa, so named after the 2nd loudest, someone stubbing their foot on a coffee table.
I didn’t believe in karma until I was scheduled to work at 6am on a holiday.
Made something I’m not proud of
I told my five-year-old she’s due for a performance review and she ignored me. That’s definitely going in the review.
it’s dangerous to go alone, take this
People are always like “you’re so crazy” and I’m all like “please take off the restraints, I promise I won’t do it again”.
How do I feel about your goatee? I shave every part of my legs except the knees, how do you feel about that?
On vacation, I ask the concierge to stand outside the shower and ask me random questions so I can feel right at home.
Caught my uncle checking his phone mid way through the rosary and I absolutely squealed on him (for context I’m 41 and a guest in their home).
The worst part about painting is drinking the brush water.
We haven’t seen the full damage this epidemic will cause, that will happen in about five to seven months with all of the gender reveal parties.
11-year-old: I’m bringing my saxophone home from school tomorrow.
Me: Why?
11: To practice making sounds.
Me: You mean notes?
11: No. We haven’t learned those yet.
Lucky us.
I started a book club. A coloring book club. There’s a line to get in. We’re never on the same page. Nothing’s black & white. We’re well red
[2 men standing in an empty basement together]
Man 1: “Alright, maybe we should tell a few people about Fight Club.”
god forbid anyone in my family is kidnapped, the kidnapper will bark complicated instructions thru a tube sock on the phone and hang up, i’m on the other end saying huh i gotta do what now
‘Siri, am I an alcoholic?’, I whisper into my burrito.
me: i hate walking into a room and forgetting why i’m here.. lmao
executioner: just sit in the chair
Wearing my lesbian boots today. Well, they’re faux lesbian. I don’t believe in using lesbians for leather, even if they’re farm-raised.
hackers play passwordle
In Hell, you cannot peel off the colors on a Rubik’s Cube to solve it