The guy at the gym said rest days are really important, so I’ve been resting for 6 years.
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Thinking about having kids?
Buy a plant.
If you can keep it alive for 18 years, hopefully you’re too old to have kids by then.
[finding a secret passage in my NYC-apartment that leads to a corpse-filled torture dungeon]
HOLY SHIT LOOK AT ALL THIS EXTRA SPACE I HAVE!
First rule of cleaning while listening to music: the toilet brush is never the microphone….. Never
noah’s google search history:
“wat is arc”
“why would god want circle segment”
“arc or ark”
“how many animals”
“5,000,000 x 2”
“is god real”
A microwave with three only buttons.
1. Hot Pocket
2. Pizza Rolls
3. 4 Hot Pockets and 60 Pizza Rolls
As I walk through the valley of the shadow of death I say unto myself I SHALL NEVER… USE APPLE MAPS AGAIN…
The greatest ending to a video game to ever exist.
Can’t wait for Game of Thrones to come back because I miss civilized political discourse.
Last minute gift idea:
Give someone a bucket of water and tell them your sorry their ice sculpture melted
extrovert: want to come out with us
me: i’ll let you no.
marriage counselor: you can’t run away from your problems
me: [leans forward, whispering] what if she gave me a head start
wife: I can hear u
[interview]
“So, what do you enjoy doing when you’re not working?”
“I enjoy going for walks, watching films and cooking”
“And your pet hates?”
“Going for walks, trips to the vets and shitting outside when it’s raining”
I wonder how many new moms try to pick out a unique name for their baby only to later learn it’s the name of an antidepressant.
I like to test the waters by pushing people in.
[first date]
Adam: *puts phone face down on the table* hey
Eve: interesting, are you afraid I’ll see a text from another woman
Adam: *rubbing the bridge of his nose* how could that even be possible
(Standing in front of 3d printer waiting for my bullets to print out as a killer walks toward me) come onnnn come onnnnnn
It’s not rude to hand visitors a timer when they show up, right??
A bloke just in front of me got knocked over by a runaway shopping trolley and if I hadn’t paused to look at a couple of fish fillets it could have been me. I immediately thought, there but for the brace of cod go I.
I promised you nothing and I’m a man who lives up to his promises.
My buddy wants to join Twitter because he’s tired of all the people fighting on Facebook, should I tell him.
Wishing everyone who’s visiting their parents for Christmas a very water tastes wrong.
You know what they say about poison ivy – leaves of three, run screaming away and spend the rest of summer inside binge watching Netflix because Netflix never gives you rashes.
I have the dance moves of a dog with mittens on its paws.
Always a bit depressed when I pass my ex’s house and see that it still hasn’t burned to the ground.
A harried Japanese guy is ushering me to the starting blocks of the 400 meter sprint. Please help i dont want this. I am not fast
This coyote won’t let me get close enough to put a sweater on him.
Legend has it if u whisper IKEA 3x in the mirror an extra screw will appear & you’ll be haunted by the piece of furniture you ill-assembled.
The Hello Kitty stickers on your woodchipper suggest that you’re whimsically murdery.
Not sure what to say when asked about the bruise on my face, because the truth is I walked into the side mirror of my truck.
Coworker: You look tired. Did you not get enough sleep last night?
Me: Nope. Slept great! But thanks for telling me I look like shit.